1. The Case of the Mystery Spew.
An early winter's morning. The Moose has left for work. Both cats are hanging around, probably enjoying the warmth of the fire and the quiet of the morning. The toddler is still in bed. I am breastfeeding the bubs and eating my oatmeal (good for milk production, as I have had some problems in this area). I finish my oatmeal, bubs finishes her feed, so I get up to change her nappy. The change table is behind the couch I had been sitting on, my empty oatmeal bowl is on a little end table in front of the couch. I change the nappy, go into the kitchen to throw it away, and return with bubs to the couch so she can have the other boob. But. But there is a circular puddle of something that looks suspiciously like oatmeal next to my bowl. The bowl I had left empty, or nearly empty. For a moment I think perhaps I had boiled it over in the microwave and not noticed, and that is what this puddle is. But it doesn't check out. My bowl was sitting on a cork board trivet the whole time and the puddle is on the table in front of it. Then I think perhaps bubs has managed to spew over my shoulder when I got up, but a quick check over my left shoulder reveals that I am spew free. Plus, if she had spewed and it hit the table, I should have heard some sort of splat. In my cofused, sleep deprived haze I go to the kitchen and get a dish cloth. When I wipe up the puddle I discover it is all mucus-y. Now gagging I realize the oatmeal like bits in the puddle are likely worms. I was 2 weeks late with the worming tablets, which I had given both cats the night before, and clearly one of the cats did not approve. My money is on Cleo. She looked a little guilty.
2. The Case of the Mystery Poo.
Toffee is doubly incontinent, due to an accident 4 years ago. I express her bladder twice a day, and poos have a way of creeping up on her and happening where ever she may be. The other day she was in the kitchen window. She pooed on the counter next to the sink and hopped down and ran outside (as I called out "Thanks a lot, Toffee, you asshole"). I cleaned the poos off the counter top and sprayed loo spray. A while later I was making brownies. The toddler was dancing in the living room and the bubs was being rocked by my foot in her bassinet in the kitchen. I could still smell poos. I looked high and low. Nothing. So I cleaned the counter top with another cleaner, and started the washing up (we do not have a dishwasher). Still the poo smell lingered. Some time later the toddler ate some yogurt, wanted more, but didn't actually want more. I went to wash the remainder down the drain, but the water wouldn't go down very well. Something was blocking the drain. Yes, it was a Toffee turd. I rewashed all the dishes in the hottest water my hands could take. Thanks a lot, Toffee, you asshole.
3. And The Universe Still Works.
Lately I have been struggling with nausea. Not too bad, and it comes and goes, but it has no real pattern. I feel sick if I eat, I feel sick if I don't eat. An awful lot like when I was preggers. And my intestines have been on the fritz the last few weeks too, Just like when I was preggers. We are not trying for another, Bubs is not even 4 months yet, for fucks sake! And after watching one episode of "I didn't know I was pregnant" I am now all kinds of paranoid. I sneakily buy $20 pack of FRERs from the supermarket, and promptly pee on one. Negative. THANK GOD. Next day, wham! Period. Nothing like pissing on $20 to bring on the period. This is a universal truth that has followed me forever, especially when not trying to get preggers. Pee on a stick, 24 hours later, period. No idea on the nausea and excessive intestinal distress, but clearly it is not pregnancy.
4. 4:30am Massive Bubby Deuce.
That speaks for itself. Also, she did spew over my shoulder. Totally heard the splat as it hit the floor.
Wednesday 21 June 2017
Saturday 1 April 2017
Second Bub's Birth Story
I have been working on this awhile. The bullet points version is the only version I can tell at the moment, due to scrambled baby brain syndrome.
Tuesday February 28th was a god awful day- it was hot, nap time got ruined thanks to a telephone call from the hospital to confirm Thursday's c-section, and Bubs was ridiculously hard to put to sleep. So naturally, she fell asleep just before 9pm, and about 5 minutes later, after one single contraction, my waters broke. Just like the movies. Gush and leaking EVERYWHERE. So I called the midwife (Dippy) who said to come down to her office for a check, and then on to Dunedin. Oh, and could we hurry up cuz she had a long day and was tired. Yeah...lets pack up the car in the dark and drag a just sleeping toddler out of bed. All with a towel stuffed between my legs. Good times. So the highlights of the journey:
Tuesday February 28th was a god awful day- it was hot, nap time got ruined thanks to a telephone call from the hospital to confirm Thursday's c-section, and Bubs was ridiculously hard to put to sleep. So naturally, she fell asleep just before 9pm, and about 5 minutes later, after one single contraction, my waters broke. Just like the movies. Gush and leaking EVERYWHERE. So I called the midwife (Dippy) who said to come down to her office for a check, and then on to Dunedin. Oh, and could we hurry up cuz she had a long day and was tired. Yeah...lets pack up the car in the dark and drag a just sleeping toddler out of bed. All with a towel stuffed between my legs. Good times. So the highlights of the journey:
- Dippy lost her car keys (she has a keyless starting car, ugh) so we couldn't get into her office for about half an hour while we searched her car. She had been napping in said car when we pulled up. So I got to help search her car while the Moose hung out with Bubs. All this going commando in a dress with a towel between my legs. Pretty sure I flashed the car park surveillance cameras.
- Bubs was fine on the CTG, but still not engaged, and my cervix was high and closed.
- 3 hour drive in a car we had just purchased the weekend before, in the dark. The Moose was so tired I ended up driving a bit of it.
- Bubs got car sick twice, halfway through the trip, and needed to be changed.
- Arrived at hotel at 230am (I was to report to hospital at 830am but had to get to the city in case I went into labor- I DIDN'T). Bubs wide awake and eager to explore. Hotel room had spa pool I could not use. I was understandably pissed at this circumstance.
- Finally to a rough few hours of sleep on towels on top of the nappy changing wallet thing. Thankfully I didn't leak any more while lying down.
- In the morning I discovered that toddler nappies make excellent pads for dealing with leaking fluids. Wish I had figured that one out earlier!!
- Got to hospital while Moose and Bubs went back to hotel to clean up and sort out cheaper accommodation. A quick chat with the doctor about what I wanted. I opted for a c-section because I still wasn't in labor, bubs was still up high, and I had lost most of the fluid. Also I would have only had about 12 hours until I hit that magic 24 hour post waters breaking moment. I figured why try to labor for so short a time, fail and have to have an emergency c-section?
- The spinal block did not hurt this time. Last time it did and they had to adjust a few times. This time they didn't nearly drop me off the table. Also, not as many people were in the room, it was a much more relaxed atmosphere, and it wasn't a million degrees in the room.
- Second bubs did not want to come out. There was much pushing and pulling, and the doctor was a short ass and standing on a step stool. It took another doc to push a bit harder to evict second bubs. I did not throw up this time, but I did feel really sleepy for about 5 minutes. They brought second bubs to me and put her on my chest while they put me back together. That was cool (especially as she was cleaned off and wrapped up). Second bubs weighed in at 7lbs 2oz (about half a pound lighter than the midwife predicted) and was 20 inches long at birth.
- They wheeled me to an anesthetic recovery room (new procedure) for a little while. There were lots of other people there, including Dorothy, who would not respond to the nurse asking if she could hear him (and he kept asking, over and over, rather loudly). Second bubs got her first feed here, and when we were wheeled back to the post-natal ward, the Moose and first bubs were waiting for us. First bubs was not overly worried or concerned about either me or second bubs and just wanted to play in the room. They left to go have naps after a short visit.
- I was able to shower with my catheter (and unsupervised) after 6 hours. I was more excited about my nasty hospital food though. I was also able to get out of bed by myself and pick second bubs up from her bassinet throughout the night to feed her. They removed the catheter in the morning and I was away. I was able to get out of bed with no more difficulty than I had as a 9-month pregnant lady, and within days I was able to jump up out of bed at the first squawk from second bubs. The midwives have commended my ability to move about like I never had a c-section, and I have been driving since 2 weeks post section. This is so much better than my first c-section! I think it is because I made myself a nappy-changing station out of an old desk so I wouldn't have to bend (which I did the day my waters broke).
- The first night was good, lots of sleep was had. The second day was rough. Second bubs was very mucus-y from the c-section and wasn't feeding well, and I had referred pain in my shoulder so bad I was in tears. That second night was rough. Lots of crying, not a lot of sleep, and more shoulder pain. In the morning a stupid cleaning woman made me cry when she asked if I was torturing that crying baby (I told her the baby was torturing me then burst into tears when she left, and I could not stop crying for some time- stupid hormones), and lactation consultants came running thinking this was my first, until they saw I was just feeding a baby with a less than happy tummy (apparently all the babies that day were mucus-y from c-sections, as I was told other moms were having the same difficulties). I have to say, I am glad this experience was my second and not my first!! I can see how new moms get overwhelmed!!
- I was discharged the third day. I nearly murdered the Moose. Short story: he had hurt his back and was in bad shape and I didn't believe he was worse than me. He left me with a new baby, a tantrum-ing and hungry toddler and the stuff to pack up for discharge in order to get himself lunch- no mention of getting anything for me or the hungry toddler. I had to pack up the room, heft and cuddle the toddler and wrestle her into the pram, and load up and carry everything out (a midwife helped me by carrying second bubs). Then I had to reinstall first bub's car seat (which is the devil) as it had been removed when the Moose got the car stereo fixed the day before. It took three tries. The Moose just irritated me while I was doing it by being as unhelpful as possible. I would like to point out that I was the one who had been disemboweled 48 hours prior. Then with much ado we got out of there, got lunch for me and first bubs, went to a park to eat and got rained on and had to run back to the car. Managed that, drove for half an hour, and suddenly the Moose was "too tired to drive" so we had to pull over so he could have a short nap, which meant first bubs had to be unleashed from the car seat so she could climb all over me. Thankfully second bubs slept and eventually we made it home without me getting too stab-y.
- We discovered second bubs had a tongue tie. She didn't gain as much as she should one week, so we got that sorted this past week. My nips are better for it, but I think she is having to re-learn how to feed, which hasn't been so fun for her. Anyway, we are getting there.
- Sleep is ok. I don't want to jinx myself. Second bubs goes to bed between 11pm and midnight. I could maybe get her into her bassinet at 9 but I am not ready for bed then most nights (well, I AM, but it never happens as she only sleeps a short time and is up by 10). She gets up around 3am and then again around 7am. So I am managing about 5-6 hours a night.
- She is a happy, easy going baby who is afraid to miss out on anything and fights sleep throughout the day (but not at night) and doesn't like to be put in her bassinet to sleep (during the day). This makes things hard when dealing with a toddler.
- Speaking of the toddler (aka first bubs), the green eyed monster came out 3-4 days after second bubs was born. It mostly strikes during feeds and sometimes during nappy changes, and always if mama (or daddy) can't do what she wants us to do when she wants it. Otherwise she is very cute and loves her little sister. Second bubs was starting to cry and first bubs grabbed me and dragged me over to her bassinet and told me through her toddler language to pick up and feed the baby RIGHT NOW. She is a bossy thing. Also this transition with the baby sister has been complicated by eye teeth coming through. Damn great timing teeth. Good one. My poor boo (first bubs/the toddler).
- My family was just here for almost 2 weeks. It was great having so many extra hands to play with the toddler and to cuddle second bubs, but I did find the little bit of political/social commentary to make it through to be stressful. I didn't like hearing minorities get blamed for racism, but as I was nursing in the next room and no one could hear me anyway I bit my tongue. It did make me sad to hear it from my family. It does make it easier to say goodbye though.
- Going from one to two is challenging. I can see how the transition from 2 to 3 (or more) is easier, as the older kids are already used to sharing the attention.
- Oh the nappies. Second bubs is pooping away her inheritance (and her sisters, and her parents retirement- oh my god has any child on the planet ever done so many poops as this one!!). I will be plunking her little ass in cloth as soon as she fits the ones I have. Also, wipes. Time to go to cloth. I am not looking forward to my laundry anymore.
- My body is definitely different this time around. With first bubs, within weeks I was pretty much right back how I started in terms of shape and weight (I then gained a ton because god does breast feeding make me hungry while not helping me lose weight!). This time I have a pooch-y tummy. I think my hips and bum are the same but I suppose I will find out once my incision has healed enough to handle non-maternity jeans. I have lost at least 7 kilos of pregnancy weight (it had been 10 but I gained back 3 while my family was here). I am more or less ok with my body. I have plans to loose weight anyway, so seems silly to get upset about something I am going to start working on. I won't be dieting per se, as I don't want to bugger my milk supply, but I will be aiming to walk 5 days a week and start jogging (couch to 5k) once I am healed enough- leaky boobs be damned. And avoiding junk food and refined sugars.
- The cats. Toffs is annoyed at the level of noise in the house, and runs outside whenever either child is crying/screaming (which is often). And the battle over the sofa has begun again- Toffs loves all the blankets and pillows I pile on for nursing, but she gets kicked off the couch whenever second bubs needs a feed or the toddler decides to pull the blankets out from under her. Cleo doesn't seem affected. I am not sure she has even noticed that there is a second child in the house. I imagine this will change once this one is mobile. But she is best friends with the toddler now and sometimes naps with her (the toddler loves it). Right now Cleo is wild and is running laps around the table, jumping off my leg onto the table, and trying to get into the hot water cupboard- she just knocked over a chair. So business as usual.
Monday 13 February 2017
Full term shortly! UPDATED
In a day and a half I will be full term with second bubs. I am so ready for this pregnancy to be over, but so not ready to have a second bubs to look after (especially as Bubs#1 is being so demanding!).
My BP has been all over the show lately- I've had a high first reading twice the past two weeks, but the second reading has always been lower. Today the first was 124/90 (odd) and the second was 126/82. Mostly we are in the 130s/80s. My urine was good for awhile (there had been +1 protein at 32 and 34 weeks). Fortnightly growth scans have shown bubs to be hanging out on the 50th percentile so that is good! The umbilical hernia is killing me, but otherwise I am in good shape from about 7am to 6pm, at which point I just fade and become immobile for a few hours.
I thought I was getting closer to labor, but turns out I was deluding myself (I know, right?). My signs:
*****Turns out it isn't a UTI. What the hell?? Either way I am chugging the cranberry juice.
So here is the birth plan: If I get pre-eclampsia it will be a cesarean section. If I go into labor spontaneously we try for a VBAC (bubs still being in a good position of course). If I don't go into labor by my due date of 1 March, bubs gets yanked out the sunroof on the 2nd of March. I don't really know which option I prefer, but as none of it is really in my control I guess it doesn't matter.
Speaking of midwives (which I was a paragraph ago), I think I will have my midwife/OB rant now, as I promised it in my last post. So Dutch midwife had her baby in January (mid month I think), but she wasn't going to be seeing anyone for a few months around that time (I can't quite recall what the deal was or when she is back). So I have been at the mercy of dippy midwife. Dippy midwife can't get to appointments on time to save her life, and only texts if she will be more than 20 minutes late (I blame this for my high BP reading the first time I met her- the second meeting I had with her she had double booked). She also forgets things, like to bring urine dipsticks in from her car when she does the clinic here in my town. So two weeks ago I didn't have to pee on a stick. Last week she forgot to weigh me. She never asks about headaches, visual disturbances, other signs of bad things (she assumes I know I guess?). And the best of all, she can not figure out my gestational date to save her damn life. She is attached to a pregnancy wheel that I do not think she knows how to read. For example, when I was at 34 +5 she thought I was 35 +2. I have pointed out my due date (confirmed by ultrasound and BBT chart rather than LMP), but even so I can't account for her being off by four days. When I argued with her, she told me that it doesn't go by 7 day weeks. Now, I know when you try to calculate months pregnant, it doesn't go by neat little 4 weeks in a month. But I am pretty sure that it does go by 7 days in a week! My ultrasounds, my dutch midwife, and the OB all go by 7 day weeks. If I hit my week on a Wednesday (like I do this pregnancy), then each Wednesday I am at 34 weeks, 35 weeks, 36 weeks, and so on to the due date (a Wednesday!!). The OB had no clue what the hell was up with this midwife's calculations, but I got a lecture when I told her I gave up arguing the point (as the dates matter- though I figure they only matter if something goes wrong, at which point I will speak up).
Ok, now onto the OB. I have met with her 3 times. Once at 11 weeks. After that I was supposed to meet her at 20 weeks and then every four weeks after that. That is not how it has happened. Dutch midwife had to chase down the second appointment for me, which ended up being at 27 weeks. Funny thing about that appointment- though they sent me a letter with a time and place, when I arrived at the clinic I was told I had no appointment. They had cancelled it without bothering to tell me. The doc saw me anyway, but then in her letter she was all like "...It was a pleasure to unexpectedly see Tiggy at my clinic today..." which made me feel like I was appointment crashing. Then she was all like "I will see her monthly from now" but by that she apparently meant calendar month as opposed to every four weeks because I saw her in early December and then not again until the end of January (35 weeks)- which was to be my last time seeing her. My other complaint about her is her bedside manner. The first two times I saw her she kept pointing out that because I wasn't one of her private patients, she wasn't going to be at the delivery, take my calls after hours (I have never called her nor has either midwife called her on my behalf), etc etc. No mention of it the last time, so that was good.
Well, my next post should be a birth post.
My BP has been all over the show lately- I've had a high first reading twice the past two weeks, but the second reading has always been lower. Today the first was 124/90 (odd) and the second was 126/82. Mostly we are in the 130s/80s. My urine was good for awhile (there had been +1 protein at 32 and 34 weeks). Fortnightly growth scans have shown bubs to be hanging out on the 50th percentile so that is good! The umbilical hernia is killing me, but otherwise I am in good shape from about 7am to 6pm, at which point I just fade and become immobile for a few hours.
I thought I was getting closer to labor, but turns out I was deluding myself (I know, right?). My signs:
- my bump seems lower (aka my boobs are feeling the effects of gravity once again), though I am not waddling often and not having too much pressure down there, there has been more than before.
- I had period like cramping pain the last two days.
- I had lower back pain off and on the last two days.
- I have felt a bit more nausea and the urge to have explosive poos (TMI, sorry- but the iron supplements have prevented this urge from becoming a reality).
- I've been feeling off.
- My lady business has been feeling off (don't know how else to describe this one).
- This week is a busy week so Murphy's law states I should go into labor or develop pre-eclampsia to throw the system into chaos.
*****Turns out it isn't a UTI. What the hell?? Either way I am chugging the cranberry juice.
So here is the birth plan: If I get pre-eclampsia it will be a cesarean section. If I go into labor spontaneously we try for a VBAC (bubs still being in a good position of course). If I don't go into labor by my due date of 1 March, bubs gets yanked out the sunroof on the 2nd of March. I don't really know which option I prefer, but as none of it is really in my control I guess it doesn't matter.
Speaking of midwives (which I was a paragraph ago), I think I will have my midwife/OB rant now, as I promised it in my last post. So Dutch midwife had her baby in January (mid month I think), but she wasn't going to be seeing anyone for a few months around that time (I can't quite recall what the deal was or when she is back). So I have been at the mercy of dippy midwife. Dippy midwife can't get to appointments on time to save her life, and only texts if she will be more than 20 minutes late (I blame this for my high BP reading the first time I met her- the second meeting I had with her she had double booked). She also forgets things, like to bring urine dipsticks in from her car when she does the clinic here in my town. So two weeks ago I didn't have to pee on a stick. Last week she forgot to weigh me. She never asks about headaches, visual disturbances, other signs of bad things (she assumes I know I guess?). And the best of all, she can not figure out my gestational date to save her damn life. She is attached to a pregnancy wheel that I do not think she knows how to read. For example, when I was at 34 +5 she thought I was 35 +2. I have pointed out my due date (confirmed by ultrasound and BBT chart rather than LMP), but even so I can't account for her being off by four days. When I argued with her, she told me that it doesn't go by 7 day weeks. Now, I know when you try to calculate months pregnant, it doesn't go by neat little 4 weeks in a month. But I am pretty sure that it does go by 7 days in a week! My ultrasounds, my dutch midwife, and the OB all go by 7 day weeks. If I hit my week on a Wednesday (like I do this pregnancy), then each Wednesday I am at 34 weeks, 35 weeks, 36 weeks, and so on to the due date (a Wednesday!!). The OB had no clue what the hell was up with this midwife's calculations, but I got a lecture when I told her I gave up arguing the point (as the dates matter- though I figure they only matter if something goes wrong, at which point I will speak up).
Ok, now onto the OB. I have met with her 3 times. Once at 11 weeks. After that I was supposed to meet her at 20 weeks and then every four weeks after that. That is not how it has happened. Dutch midwife had to chase down the second appointment for me, which ended up being at 27 weeks. Funny thing about that appointment- though they sent me a letter with a time and place, when I arrived at the clinic I was told I had no appointment. They had cancelled it without bothering to tell me. The doc saw me anyway, but then in her letter she was all like "...It was a pleasure to unexpectedly see Tiggy at my clinic today..." which made me feel like I was appointment crashing. Then she was all like "I will see her monthly from now" but by that she apparently meant calendar month as opposed to every four weeks because I saw her in early December and then not again until the end of January (35 weeks)- which was to be my last time seeing her. My other complaint about her is her bedside manner. The first two times I saw her she kept pointing out that because I wasn't one of her private patients, she wasn't going to be at the delivery, take my calls after hours (I have never called her nor has either midwife called her on my behalf), etc etc. No mention of it the last time, so that was good.
Well, my next post should be a birth post.
Friday 6 January 2017
32+2
I am now more pregnant that I have ever been (by one day). And while my bump is bigger this time (Bubs 2 is measuring on track so far and I am also fatter than I was when I was preggers with Bubs 1), I am only just now starting to feel big bump can't touch my toes pregnant (I can probably still touch my toes but I am not really interested in trying). My umbilical hernia, which was only a slight problem with #1 is quickly becoming a nightmare (thanks to constantly having to lug around Bubs #1 who often wants to be carried). Other than that, things are chugging along nicely.
My BP has been about 130/80 for most of this pregnancy, but we hit a spike of 142/90 just at week 27, which sent me to the hospital for observation. By the time I arrived there it was back to 130/80 and it just kept falling while I was in the hospital, until the last time they took it and it was 100/59. Yeah. In all fairness, that was while lying down for a nap with Bubs #1 on the hospital bed. Last week my BP was 120/60.
I was talking with a woman who had pre-eclampsia in both her pregnancies- in her second it came on quick. That has made me paranoid. That and my "level of care". I will go into details on that later. At least I know what to look for and can be my own advocate, so I don't feel like my care is actually being compromised (good Dutch midwife is pregnant and off for the next 6 weeks or so- her partner is flaky- nice but flaky and my ob is a whole other post).
My BP has been about 130/80 for most of this pregnancy, but we hit a spike of 142/90 just at week 27, which sent me to the hospital for observation. By the time I arrived there it was back to 130/80 and it just kept falling while I was in the hospital, until the last time they took it and it was 100/59. Yeah. In all fairness, that was while lying down for a nap with Bubs #1 on the hospital bed. Last week my BP was 120/60.
I was talking with a woman who had pre-eclampsia in both her pregnancies- in her second it came on quick. That has made me paranoid. That and my "level of care". I will go into details on that later. At least I know what to look for and can be my own advocate, so I don't feel like my care is actually being compromised (good Dutch midwife is pregnant and off for the next 6 weeks or so- her partner is flaky- nice but flaky and my ob is a whole other post).
Monday 14 November 2016
quaking
The 7.5 earthquake last night didn't affect us. I felt a slight rolling sensation, lifted my head off the pillow thinking "hmmm...earthquake?" but hearing nothing rattling or banging or moving I put my head back down and chucked it up to pregnancy dizziness (is that a thing?), lack of sleep, or a day of coffee drinking. An hour later the tom cat pissing in the house came in, I chased him out, and half an hour after that Bubs was up.
I haven't been sleeping well lately. Since a wicked tummy bug had me puking my guts out two weeks ago, I have found that I just cannot fall asleep before 2am. And last night Bubs couldn't sleep either. Today she has a new molar peeking through. She wasn't fussy...she just wasn't sleeping. I could post a whole other lot of stuff, but I am trying to get some baking done while Bubs is "enjoying" a few hours at daycare.
Just wanted to say we are fine :)
I haven't been sleeping well lately. Since a wicked tummy bug had me puking my guts out two weeks ago, I have found that I just cannot fall asleep before 2am. And last night Bubs couldn't sleep either. Today she has a new molar peeking through. She wasn't fussy...she just wasn't sleeping. I could post a whole other lot of stuff, but I am trying to get some baking done while Bubs is "enjoying" a few hours at daycare.
Just wanted to say we are fine :)
Wednesday 28 September 2016
The State of Things
Hi there. It has been awhile. I'm still mostly reading blogs (though I don't comment so much) but I have been AWOL from this blog. There are a couple of reasons.
I suppose a trigger warning is needed, so if you are in a bad place, click away.
The State of My Mind. It all started as my maternity leave wound down and I had to get back to working and prepping for that stupid audit. I won't go into the details about it all, but it stressed me out. I could not stop thinking about all the things the company needed (and really, lets be honest, still needs) to do. We passed the audit (thank god) and I had a small breather before I had to pretty much overhaul much of our health and safety program for the legislation change. The audit was in January, the legislation change was in April. I had about 6 pages of to-do lists taped up all over my "office" area. Once again, I could not stop thinking about all the things that needed to be done. Add to that an irresponsible supervisor who expected me to be his personal secretary (ugh) and a bunch of fuckwits (in their 60s-70s) who bully the shit out of each other and then come bitching to me about it (with bosses who won't do shit about the situation because they don't think they should have to, because adults should behave like adults- to which I call bullshit, since when do adults actually behave like adults??)...ugh, here I go, digressing....anyway, I started to dream about quitting that job. So I did. I waited until after harvest, after I went out of town with the Moose and the Bubs (during which time I received annoying emails from work expecting me to do something about this other situation- yeah, ain't happening), and after the boss got back from his holiday. Then I quit.
It was a bit stressful because money was starting to get tight, but we were finally able to access an investment and a few months ago we paid of the mortgage and we are in a much better position now. We still have to be a little careful, since we are living off of only one income, but things are a lot less tight now.
And I am still on the payroll, still giving advise to the boss's wife (who took over my job), still giving advise to a client, and still expected to help out a bit. I am mostly ok with this, because I will choose how much of my time and sanity to give. As far as I am concerned, I am done, really. People may pick my poor disorganized brain, but I am not putting in the effort.
Anyway, quitting felt good. It felt brilliant actually. BUT. My brain didn't stop. It replaced work with other things. Things like what if the car went off the road into the river? How would I get Bubs out of the backseat and her carseat, how would I break the window, get the Moose out, etc etc. I am terrified of drowning or being trapped under water (yes I can swim, no I don't enjoy being under the water though). It got to the point where some days washing my face in the shower would just about leave me choking. And it isn't just that situation. We are expecting a major earthquake here sometime in the next 50 years or so (a magnitude 8) and the longer it takes to happen the worse it will be. I am still working on building up our supplies, working out our strategies, etc. I think this is useful and something I need to do, but not something I need to lie awake about all night freaking out about. Especially when instead of thinking of a list of first aid supplies our kit should have, I am busy trying to figure out if Bub's cot can handle the ceiling coming down on it.
The state of the world was also affecting me. Trump and Brexit and driver-less cars and drones and more sleepless nights. I've unfollowed many people on facebook to limit my exposure to some of the vitriol. There is a ban on current events as a topic with my parents (who thankfully aren't Trump supporters- but that is only because they don't like his personality) after I had to explain to my mother why god doesn't belong in public schools and the whole perceived "ban on Christmas" business. My mother raised us outside of the church and to not be religious, as an interesting side note. This is all very sad to me, and very stressful, and I honestly believe that the world our children will inherit is a worse one than the one we grew up in. Boo.
I have had some issues with anxiety in the past. Usually it comes to the surface once a year and I spend a few hours having an actual panic attack (or my version of one, complete with twitchy eyes, a racing pulse, speech of 500 words per minute and an inability to sit still). I burn it off and am usually ok. Other things, like public speaking or that sort I can just use visualization and breathing techniques to work my way through it, and I over-prepare (or occasionally under-prepare just for something different). This I couldn't cope with though. I would lay awake, waiting for Bubs to wake up so I could pull her into bed with me and cuddle her and maybe get a few hours of sleep. During the day I would find myself nearly paralyzed and unable to do much of anything except attend to Bubs needs.
I spoke with my doctor about this (while there for another reason) and she pretty much just told me to google cognitive behavior therapies. Thanks, doc. Maybe I should lose some weight too, since that is obviously the cause of all ills (d'ya hear the sarcasm?). Doctor aside, I decided to try this first. I don't want to go to therapy, and I am just the kind of analytical enough to give it a go. Mostly, most of the time, this is working for me. I am feeling much better now. I can sleep. I can function. Maybe more daylight and warmer weather have helped too, but I feel much more alive and human now.
The State of the Bubs. Right now she is picking through her dinner with the help of a bic pen, but hey, she may actually eat some of it so she can keep the damn pen. She is a fussy fussy eater. And getting molars, which doesn't help. I could bang on and on about this, but she is growing (at 16 months she is still the size of some of the 12 month-er's we meet) and the doc isn't concerned.
She is sleeping in her cot now. At least until the middle of the night when she wakes up and I bring her into bed with the us. Some nights, maybe one in three, she sleeps the whole night. This is such an improvement. And mostly due to the warming weather. She hates blankets with the fire of a thousand suns and kicks them off, gets cold and wakes up (despite the panel heater in her room). Our house is cold. Most NZ houses are cold. Such is life. I hope she can learn to love the blankets though.
Still waiting for her to start using words. She talks alot, but in her own language. She is quite good at getting her point across anyway, and she understands a lot more than it appears, but still nothing. She will "mamamamama" and "dadadada" but not necessarily meaning mama and dada. Since she is quite happy to babble along I am not worried yet. She will start in her own time (and she gets a 2 month lee-way for milestones).
She is the cutest thing ever, and when not teething she is wonderfully delightful. She does have tantrums like nothing else when she doesn't get her own way/isn't allowed to eat catfood/dirt/play with electrical outlets, etc. When she is teething the tantrums come damn near constant. I am sure this is all normal. What I have a problem with are the tantrums around my cooking. Anytime I try to prepare a meal (if the Moose isn't home especially) she clings to my legs, tries to push me out of the kitchen and screams at me. I ignore her, or try to distract her with a toy or tv (the one time of day I turn it on in desperate hopes that she will actually sit down and let me cook!). Sometimes this works, sometimes she screams at me for half an hour +. This has been going on for months and is driving me a wee bit mental. I am hoping it is a phase and soon it will end.
The State of the Moose. I should do an entire post on how Bubs makes a better bedfellow (snoring, cold feet, etc), but I am not going to- this is getting long enough and it has taken me 3-4 sessions so far just to get this far. Lets just say marriage is hard enough, and it is even harder with a toddler in the picture. But we are surviving and still happy to be with each other. One quick story- I asked him to watch Bubs for a few minutes while I put some laundry away- she was playing in the doorway and he was a few feet away on the sofa (sliding glass door = our front door). Our bedroom looks out on the veranda a short distance from the door, so I peeked out the window at Bubs. She saw me and came over to see me, so I picked her up through the window and she and I put a few socks away. No sound from the Moose (who was looking at some papers). So I called out "Bubby, where are you? I haven't heard you for a few minutes, what are you up to?" and within 20 seconds the Moose takes up the call, looks up and realizes she is gone. He booked it out the door and was heading down the veranda towards the drive (which we share with two other houses) when we popped out of the window and said "Boo!". He was not impressed, but I think he learned his lesson.
Trigger warning number 2... I am guessing you can guess where this is going so if you want to look away do so now.
The State of the Uterus. I am 18 weeks pregnant today. We got lucky on our second cycle attempt for number 2. I've spent a lot of time thinking about this, mostly in regards to what I would say on this blog, what this means, and how I identify myself. I didn't expect this to happen so quickly.
It took us 2 years to get Bubs. 2 years. It took 2 months to get pregnant again. I don't know what this means exactly. I am not infertile (as we proved with Bubs) but I think I am not sub-fertile either. I don't know what I am exactly, but I do know that this blog is no longer appropriate considering the original purpose.
I identify more closely with being a mum to a preemie and a pre-eclampsia survivor than I do with in/sub-fertility, and I have for some time. The 6 weeks in the NICU and the experience with pre-eclampsia have coloured my life far more than the 2 years of TTC. I think blogging here, in the early pre-Bubs days (and during that pregnancy), and even more importantly reading other blogs and interacting with other bloggers has given me an insight that probably most fertile women do not have. I choose my words more carefully when talking to women about babies, TTC, etc and I am careful not to be an obnoxious social media poster (oh, good lord, someone the other day tagged my pregnant cousin with a "tag a pregnant woman who is beautiful" type thing and I felt annoyed on behalf of all women who will see crap like that and find it hurtful). I will be forever understanding of the struggles of so many, and I will do what I can (even though it may be little more than listen and acknowledge) to help (if I could knock you all up, I would) and I will never ever tell anyone to "just relax" or "just adopt" or any of those annoying, ignorant, hurtful things.
I do realize that I cannot wrap cotton wool around everyone, and that my words, actions, or mere existence may cause pain to some. For that I am sorry, but I feel I should give this blog some closure as opposed to simply disappearing from it without a word. My plan is to include one more post- on the conclusion of this pregnancy. I will leave that post up for a few weeks (or longer if I forget) and then I will probably delete this blog. I don't think it will be that helpful for women starting out on their own journeys- I was blogging for such a short time before I got pregnant with Bubs. If I don't delete it, I might just have a one post abridged version of our story. I am still waffling a bit on what to do. I do know that I won't be blogging anymore, here or elsewhere. I just don't have the time, or the words. Sometimes I have ideas, things I want to put out there...but I just can't. Maybe one day in the future. Probably the distant future.
So this isn't quite goodbye for now, or maybe for good (I am still reading blogs and commenting when I get the chance). See you in a few months.
In case anyone is wondering, a few (interesting?) things from this pregnancy (look away if you need to, this is wrapping up this long long post so there is no reason to hang around)
I suppose a trigger warning is needed, so if you are in a bad place, click away.
Cleo as an octopus
The State of My Mind. It all started as my maternity leave wound down and I had to get back to working and prepping for that stupid audit. I won't go into the details about it all, but it stressed me out. I could not stop thinking about all the things the company needed (and really, lets be honest, still needs) to do. We passed the audit (thank god) and I had a small breather before I had to pretty much overhaul much of our health and safety program for the legislation change. The audit was in January, the legislation change was in April. I had about 6 pages of to-do lists taped up all over my "office" area. Once again, I could not stop thinking about all the things that needed to be done. Add to that an irresponsible supervisor who expected me to be his personal secretary (ugh) and a bunch of fuckwits (in their 60s-70s) who bully the shit out of each other and then come bitching to me about it (with bosses who won't do shit about the situation because they don't think they should have to, because adults should behave like adults- to which I call bullshit, since when do adults actually behave like adults??)...ugh, here I go, digressing....anyway, I started to dream about quitting that job. So I did. I waited until after harvest, after I went out of town with the Moose and the Bubs (during which time I received annoying emails from work expecting me to do something about this other situation- yeah, ain't happening), and after the boss got back from his holiday. Then I quit.
It was a bit stressful because money was starting to get tight, but we were finally able to access an investment and a few months ago we paid of the mortgage and we are in a much better position now. We still have to be a little careful, since we are living off of only one income, but things are a lot less tight now.
And I am still on the payroll, still giving advise to the boss's wife (who took over my job), still giving advise to a client, and still expected to help out a bit. I am mostly ok with this, because I will choose how much of my time and sanity to give. As far as I am concerned, I am done, really. People may pick my poor disorganized brain, but I am not putting in the effort.
Anyway, quitting felt good. It felt brilliant actually. BUT. My brain didn't stop. It replaced work with other things. Things like what if the car went off the road into the river? How would I get Bubs out of the backseat and her carseat, how would I break the window, get the Moose out, etc etc. I am terrified of drowning or being trapped under water (yes I can swim, no I don't enjoy being under the water though). It got to the point where some days washing my face in the shower would just about leave me choking. And it isn't just that situation. We are expecting a major earthquake here sometime in the next 50 years or so (a magnitude 8) and the longer it takes to happen the worse it will be. I am still working on building up our supplies, working out our strategies, etc. I think this is useful and something I need to do, but not something I need to lie awake about all night freaking out about. Especially when instead of thinking of a list of first aid supplies our kit should have, I am busy trying to figure out if Bub's cot can handle the ceiling coming down on it.
The state of the world was also affecting me. Trump and Brexit and driver-less cars and drones and more sleepless nights. I've unfollowed many people on facebook to limit my exposure to some of the vitriol. There is a ban on current events as a topic with my parents (who thankfully aren't Trump supporters- but that is only because they don't like his personality) after I had to explain to my mother why god doesn't belong in public schools and the whole perceived "ban on Christmas" business. My mother raised us outside of the church and to not be religious, as an interesting side note. This is all very sad to me, and very stressful, and I honestly believe that the world our children will inherit is a worse one than the one we grew up in. Boo.
I have had some issues with anxiety in the past. Usually it comes to the surface once a year and I spend a few hours having an actual panic attack (or my version of one, complete with twitchy eyes, a racing pulse, speech of 500 words per minute and an inability to sit still). I burn it off and am usually ok. Other things, like public speaking or that sort I can just use visualization and breathing techniques to work my way through it, and I over-prepare (or occasionally under-prepare just for something different). This I couldn't cope with though. I would lay awake, waiting for Bubs to wake up so I could pull her into bed with me and cuddle her and maybe get a few hours of sleep. During the day I would find myself nearly paralyzed and unable to do much of anything except attend to Bubs needs.
I spoke with my doctor about this (while there for another reason) and she pretty much just told me to google cognitive behavior therapies. Thanks, doc. Maybe I should lose some weight too, since that is obviously the cause of all ills (d'ya hear the sarcasm?). Doctor aside, I decided to try this first. I don't want to go to therapy, and I am just the kind of analytical enough to give it a go. Mostly, most of the time, this is working for me. I am feeling much better now. I can sleep. I can function. Maybe more daylight and warmer weather have helped too, but I feel much more alive and human now.
The State of the Bubs. Right now she is picking through her dinner with the help of a bic pen, but hey, she may actually eat some of it so she can keep the damn pen. She is a fussy fussy eater. And getting molars, which doesn't help. I could bang on and on about this, but she is growing (at 16 months she is still the size of some of the 12 month-er's we meet) and the doc isn't concerned.
She is sleeping in her cot now. At least until the middle of the night when she wakes up and I bring her into bed with the us. Some nights, maybe one in three, she sleeps the whole night. This is such an improvement. And mostly due to the warming weather. She hates blankets with the fire of a thousand suns and kicks them off, gets cold and wakes up (despite the panel heater in her room). Our house is cold. Most NZ houses are cold. Such is life. I hope she can learn to love the blankets though.
Still waiting for her to start using words. She talks alot, but in her own language. She is quite good at getting her point across anyway, and she understands a lot more than it appears, but still nothing. She will "mamamamama" and "dadadada" but not necessarily meaning mama and dada. Since she is quite happy to babble along I am not worried yet. She will start in her own time (and she gets a 2 month lee-way for milestones).
She is the cutest thing ever, and when not teething she is wonderfully delightful. She does have tantrums like nothing else when she doesn't get her own way/isn't allowed to eat catfood/dirt/play with electrical outlets, etc. When she is teething the tantrums come damn near constant. I am sure this is all normal. What I have a problem with are the tantrums around my cooking. Anytime I try to prepare a meal (if the Moose isn't home especially) she clings to my legs, tries to push me out of the kitchen and screams at me. I ignore her, or try to distract her with a toy or tv (the one time of day I turn it on in desperate hopes that she will actually sit down and let me cook!). Sometimes this works, sometimes she screams at me for half an hour +. This has been going on for months and is driving me a wee bit mental. I am hoping it is a phase and soon it will end.
The State of the Moose. I should do an entire post on how Bubs makes a better bedfellow (snoring, cold feet, etc), but I am not going to- this is getting long enough and it has taken me 3-4 sessions so far just to get this far. Lets just say marriage is hard enough, and it is even harder with a toddler in the picture. But we are surviving and still happy to be with each other. One quick story- I asked him to watch Bubs for a few minutes while I put some laundry away- she was playing in the doorway and he was a few feet away on the sofa (sliding glass door = our front door). Our bedroom looks out on the veranda a short distance from the door, so I peeked out the window at Bubs. She saw me and came over to see me, so I picked her up through the window and she and I put a few socks away. No sound from the Moose (who was looking at some papers). So I called out "Bubby, where are you? I haven't heard you for a few minutes, what are you up to?" and within 20 seconds the Moose takes up the call, looks up and realizes she is gone. He booked it out the door and was heading down the veranda towards the drive (which we share with two other houses) when we popped out of the window and said "Boo!". He was not impressed, but I think he learned his lesson.
Trigger warning number 2... I am guessing you can guess where this is going so if you want to look away do so now.
Toffee yawning
The State of the Uterus. I am 18 weeks pregnant today. We got lucky on our second cycle attempt for number 2. I've spent a lot of time thinking about this, mostly in regards to what I would say on this blog, what this means, and how I identify myself. I didn't expect this to happen so quickly.
It took us 2 years to get Bubs. 2 years. It took 2 months to get pregnant again. I don't know what this means exactly. I am not infertile (as we proved with Bubs) but I think I am not sub-fertile either. I don't know what I am exactly, but I do know that this blog is no longer appropriate considering the original purpose.
I identify more closely with being a mum to a preemie and a pre-eclampsia survivor than I do with in/sub-fertility, and I have for some time. The 6 weeks in the NICU and the experience with pre-eclampsia have coloured my life far more than the 2 years of TTC. I think blogging here, in the early pre-Bubs days (and during that pregnancy), and even more importantly reading other blogs and interacting with other bloggers has given me an insight that probably most fertile women do not have. I choose my words more carefully when talking to women about babies, TTC, etc and I am careful not to be an obnoxious social media poster (oh, good lord, someone the other day tagged my pregnant cousin with a "tag a pregnant woman who is beautiful" type thing and I felt annoyed on behalf of all women who will see crap like that and find it hurtful). I will be forever understanding of the struggles of so many, and I will do what I can (even though it may be little more than listen and acknowledge) to help (if I could knock you all up, I would) and I will never ever tell anyone to "just relax" or "just adopt" or any of those annoying, ignorant, hurtful things.
I do realize that I cannot wrap cotton wool around everyone, and that my words, actions, or mere existence may cause pain to some. For that I am sorry, but I feel I should give this blog some closure as opposed to simply disappearing from it without a word. My plan is to include one more post- on the conclusion of this pregnancy. I will leave that post up for a few weeks (or longer if I forget) and then I will probably delete this blog. I don't think it will be that helpful for women starting out on their own journeys- I was blogging for such a short time before I got pregnant with Bubs. If I don't delete it, I might just have a one post abridged version of our story. I am still waffling a bit on what to do. I do know that I won't be blogging anymore, here or elsewhere. I just don't have the time, or the words. Sometimes I have ideas, things I want to put out there...but I just can't. Maybe one day in the future. Probably the distant future.
So this isn't quite goodbye for now, or maybe for good (I am still reading blogs and commenting when I get the chance). See you in a few months.
In case anyone is wondering, a few (interesting?) things from this pregnancy (look away if you need to, this is wrapping up this long long post so there is no reason to hang around)
- I have a "good chance" of making it to 34 weeks this time before pre-eclampsia hits me again (personal goal is 36 weeks).
- I lost nearly 10 kg in 6 weeks before getting preggers. With Bubs I also dropped some weight before we conceived her. Don't know if there is something to this. (No, I was not losing weight in any sort of healthy way- extreme calorie counting goes hand in hand with someone attempting to feel in control of something)
- I was breastfeeding up until I was 8 weeks pregnant. I had no burny stabby nips until about a month after Bubs was weaned. A perk to breastfeeding while pregnant I guess? Weaning, by the way, was fine for the first two days, then I felt like I was hit by a truck for about 3 days, then I felt better. No idea. Bubs took to weaning just fine.
- BBT charting was showing that my body kept trying to ovulate and just took a few days to get there, even after the fertile cm disappeared. So every dip in temps resulted in a bonk, even if I thought perhaps ovulation had already happened.
- No puking again, but nausea was pretty rough, and it is still hanging around a few times a week.
- My midwife (same as before) is 6 weeks more pregnant than I am...if I make it to 34 and she goes to 40, we could have our babies at roughly the same time. I find this amusing.
- No bleeding this time (yet) and my blood pressures are on their way down towards mid pregnancy.
- I am on 100mg aspirin and calcium supplements. I have a doc and a midwife.
- One and only beta draw at 12dpo was rather high (500+) and I was freaked out about twins for awhile. No twins, only one Bubs.
- Every beer I have ever had in my life is on display- I look heaps more pregnant than I am but it is all jiggly beer belly. I am still in non-maternity clothes somehow and I have only gained 2kgs (about 5lbs). I don't know how this is possible. *I have been stone cold sober since before conception- part of the calorie cutting. I miss beer.
- I suspect this is actually my uterus getting excited and wanting another chance to try to kill me again.
Monday 30 May 2016
lunch time update
Just a quick update while Bubs finishes up her lunch (she is feeding herself all of a sudden- banana and toasted sandwich fingers will soon be on the floor).
I am not preggers. Totally convinced myself that I was. 7dpo- implantation dip, 8dpo- start of triphasic pattern, 9dpo- odd one of low temp, 10dpo- another low temp and wtf is that?? My period??? WTF? I have a 14 day luteal phase. Sometimes 13 days. Apparently not this time round. Although the bleeding cleared at 12dpo, it started up again the next day. So the burny nips and nausea I had must have been in my head as there was nary a faint line to be seen on any of the 3 FRERS I peed on. Well, I swore I saw a line, but honestly, I am pretty sure I didn't.
In other news, my Bubs Diet is working. That is when you pretty much only eat what the toddler refuses during the day, and just a small breakfast and dinner (whatever can be eaten in the time it takes Bubs to empty her sippy cup and dump her food on the floor and decide she is done). I am down about 6 kilos. So yay.
Today I am going to quit my job. Double yay! I don't do much, and I want to do even less, and it has been stressing me out and causing undue anxiety so I am done. Just gotta go tell the boss.
Lunch is finished. Ta ta for now.
I am not preggers. Totally convinced myself that I was. 7dpo- implantation dip, 8dpo- start of triphasic pattern, 9dpo- odd one of low temp, 10dpo- another low temp and wtf is that?? My period??? WTF? I have a 14 day luteal phase. Sometimes 13 days. Apparently not this time round. Although the bleeding cleared at 12dpo, it started up again the next day. So the burny nips and nausea I had must have been in my head as there was nary a faint line to be seen on any of the 3 FRERS I peed on. Well, I swore I saw a line, but honestly, I am pretty sure I didn't.
In other news, my Bubs Diet is working. That is when you pretty much only eat what the toddler refuses during the day, and just a small breakfast and dinner (whatever can be eaten in the time it takes Bubs to empty her sippy cup and dump her food on the floor and decide she is done). I am down about 6 kilos. So yay.
Today I am going to quit my job. Double yay! I don't do much, and I want to do even less, and it has been stressing me out and causing undue anxiety so I am done. Just gotta go tell the boss.
Lunch is finished. Ta ta for now.
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