De-cluttering

It has been awhile.

Things were a bit rough here, but I think they are getting better.  I will get into that later.  First the good stuff.

So a (not so) quick update on the Bubs.

• She will be 9 months next week and is up to 13 1/2 lbs!  She is in percentiles.  Like for her actual age.  Just touching the bottom, but still.  Actually, she was there last well child appointment, which must have been in December or late November, but I don't think I mentioned that.
• She can sit on her own but not for too long without crashing.  This is usually followed by crying.  She still hates tummy time.  I am doing everything I can think of to make it more enjoyable for her, but she just gets fed up and rolls over onto her back and cries, or gets stuck on her tummy and cries.  She gets visits from a physiotherapist to check on her development, and at the moment there are no concerns.  She isn't hitting milestones early, but she isn't expected to.
• She is eating solid food now.  She frequently makes a face indicating it is the most awful thing to ever get put in her mouth, but she eventually relaxes and even enjoys it.  Or makes these feral noises at me indicating she is bored.  Then I have to sing to her.  Dinner theatre. 
• She is very serious around 99% of all people on the planet (excepting myself and the Moose of course), but yesterday she smiled at a stranger going to the neighbor's house, and without the lady even talking to her or looking at her for that matter.  She has a hilarious set of laughs.  One is like a squack-y bird, another is a Beavis and Butthead sort of he-he he-he he-he and another is a cute little Muttley laugh.  Things that make her laugh- shadow puppets, her daddy making a monkey sound, the washing the dishes song, any sneeze or hiccup done by someone other than her and games of peek (like peekaboo but without the aboo and done in a very high pitch voice).
• She loves her jolly jumper, being upright, playing with her spoons, my water bottle (the cap is too tight for her to get off- I can't even do it half the time so no fear of choking on it), the cats, and kicking and splashing in the bath.
• Sleep.  She hates it.  HATES IT.  I have been very reluctantly co-sleeping for awhile now because it is the only way I can get more than 2 hours in a row.  Our routines are all over the show and my attempts to stick to them get completely overturned by this little sleep-hating demon child.  We do bath, breast feed to sleep, put in cot, wake up instantly, feed again to sleep, put in cot, sleep one hour, wake up, cuddle or feed to sleep, put in cot, sleep 2-3 hours (until 2 am give or take 30 minutes), feed to sleep, put in cot, wake up instantly, throw hands in air and co-sleep and hope I don't smother her or lose her in the pillows.  Every night.  Basically she sleeps 7-8 hours and that time includes being up for any feeds over night.  Naps aren't much better.  They range from one hour to three hours and are generally taken after a feed on the couch.  I then pass out next to her until she wakes up (lately she has had unsettled naps where she is up every 10-20 minutes).  I have tried sleep training- she screamed until she could hardly breathe and sobbed for over an hour after I caved and fed her to sleep.  Sleep training does not work for us.  In fact, I don't think anything will work for us.  We are doomed to this sleep routine.  I need a time machine so I can go back in time and kick my past self in the ass for always feeding her to sleep.  On the bright side, I am not alone.  Every blogger I follow with a baby around Bub's age is having the same sort of problems.  Therefore I conclude it has nothing to do with me or our bedtime routine and has everything to do with the fact that babies do not want us to sleep.  When Bubs is a teenager and wants to sleep in all the time, guess who is going to be getting sweet revenge??  That's right.  This girl.
• As revenge is a dish best served upon teenagers, when Bubs reaches that age and her friends come around and they decide to go somewhere, I am going to throw myself at her and start screaming.  In fact, I think I will do it every time she goes to the loo or otherwise moves out of my line of sight.  Or maybe just moves more than a foot away.  

 Other things:

• The cats are doing fine.  They are getting used to Bubs although they are not overly drawn to her.  Every time she starts to cry or fuss loudly Toffs leaves the house.  Cleo doesn't care and will tolerate Bubs "petting" her but she doesn't approach her.  Cleo sleeps in her cot but only during the day when Bubs isn't in there, and Toffs hasn't ventured into it yet.  
• Work is frustrating, but I am still just working part time from home and even then I tend to shirk my duties a bit more than I should.  I am just over it I guess.  Ugh.  The plan is still for me to go back to work when Bubs turns 2, but money is getting tight.  We pay off the mortgage in July and that should ease things up for us a bit.  However we are thinking about moving though to a house with a bigger section which would most likely mean taking out a new albeit small mortgage.  It would be nice to have space for Bubs to run around and play outside.  

The struggles.
   First of all sleep.  For awhile I was lucky to be getting four hours a night.  We went through a phase where Bubs was up every 2 hours for anywhere from half an hour to just over an hour.  That was rough.  She can't seem to resettle herself very often, and is suddenly wide awake with a really cheeky smile ready to play.  Not fun at 2 am and again at 4 am and again at 6 am when I finally give up on the thought of getting any sleep.  Oh yeah, and this is after fighting bedtime and staying up until 11 or even sometimes midnight.  Anyway, she seems to be doing a little better now but the lack of sleep has been taking a toll on me.  And a month ago I hit a patch of insomnia and that made everything hideous.
   I've been so tired I can't concentrate, I can barely function, and I have little to no patience.  There have been nights when I have wanted to put my head through the wall.  Nights when I just cry because she won't sleep.  I was concerned for awhile that I might be developing some depression issues, but then things got better.  It is something I still watch out for and if things get bad I will go see my doc.  Sometimes it is hard to tell between what is normal day to day stuff and what is more serious.  Right now I am mostly good, and the bad days I have are fewer.  I think things are getting better.
   Which brings me to the Moose.  I know he is working hard to support us, but there have been days when I just want to smack him one or give him a good yell.  Days when he comes home and falls asleep on the sofa, leaving me to cook and entertain an inevitably grumpy bubby.  Days when it seems he would rather spend hours on his kindle than any time with his daughter.  I get that he needs to unwind and relax after a hard day at work, and it is a hard day's work in the vineyards, but I always feel like I owe him one when I ask for help, and I have started to resent that, and to resent him.  There have been days when I wonder if our marriage will survive this.  I think it will, but during those times, I really do wonder.  And...
   By the time we came back from the NICU (6 weeks after Bubs was born) I was ready to resume sexy times (I was on the pill).  For whatever reason, the Moose wasn't.  I took that rejection a bit hard I think, and in turn all sexy times have pretty much come to an end except an obligatory once a month bonk (once every 6 weeks??).  It sucks.  So...
   Because I am sleep deprived and stressed, I have been binge eating again.  My exercises and daily walks have dwindled away.  I have put on more weight, none of my clothes fit right, and I am tired and sore all the time.  I hate it.  Which makes me feel like a whale.  Which puts me out of the mood for sexy times and makes me more resentful towards the Moose, which makes me want to bake a cake and eat half of it.  Arg.
   But things are getting better.  The Moose is getting better at helping out, I am getting better at not bitching at him, Bubs is...well...not getting better with sleep and teething must be just around the corner so that will be fun, but it won't last forever.  That has become my new mantra really.  It is just a phase.  All babies do this sort of stuff.  It won't last forever.  One day you will get to sleep again.
   I went off the pill.  I had to.  I couldn't remember to take the damned thing and since it was the mini-pill every time I forgot to take it I got my damned period.  And I am still bitter about getting it 7 weeks postpartum while exclusively breast feeding.  Anyway, with the lack of much physical intimacy and a few ancient but not yet expired condoms, we have so far been avoiding any possible baby making sex.  The Moose doesn't want a second child.  He hasn't said it, but I am pretty sure that is the case.  I (mostly) want a second child.  And if we are going to have a second child, I want to start trying when Bubs turns one year old.  There are some issues there and I was going to write about it, but I have now wasted about 2 hours when I could have been sleeping or having a shower and I know I will regret it tomorrow.  So I will save that one for another day.

I just want to say that while this has been the hardest thing I have ever done, it has been completely worth it and I do not regret it nor would I change a thing.  The above ranting and rambling was to de-clutter my muddled brain.  Things may have been rough the past few months, but we are coping and we will get through this phase.  

Happy New Year blah blah going to sleep now bye

I have three posts that I am writing in my head and just can't seem to get around to writing.  Not doing it now because sleep.  But they are coming.  Soon.  I hope. 

Meanwhile here is a cute Bubs from the past few months.

My Halloween Octo-bubby.  I spent ages making those tentacles out of cut up pants that no longer fit.

 Christmas Bubs...

And finally the "not so keen on selfies" Bubs from a hike with her mama.

Ok...sleep now for me.  Adios.

October Thoughts

Last October we suffered our last early miscarriage.

Last October Bubs was conceived the cycle following that last loss.  We didn't find out until November, but October 25th, give or take 24 hours, wee Bubs was created.  A year ago she was just a group of cells working her way towards a comfy home in the uterus.

I've been pretty flat out busy with my work project, with wee Bubs, and with moving the Moose's mother to the rest home up here (well, indirectly busy with the last part- the Moose's absence creates more work for me), but all the same I have been thinking a lot lately.

Those early losses, at the time, were a frustration.  An obstacle to overcome.  They were the loss of a dream, a goal, but not the loss of anything tangent.  I don't think I really understood until holding Bubs, and even then, it has taken five months for me to really feel the loss of those other little lives that blinked into existence and just as quickly out.  Maybe they were nothing more than cells with a genetic composition that could never mean life, or maybe they didn't stand a chance against a hostile uterus that didn't want them to implant.  Maybe they could never have been.  But when I look into Bub's eyes, I think about them.  Would they have had eyes so blue?  Hair so thick and dark?  Would they have been smiley, happy bubbies?  Would they have been shy, outgoing?  Knowing my Bubs has enabled me to feel their loss as I hadn't felt it before.  Not just the loss of a dream, but the loss of something real.  The loss of little bundles that were a little bit Moose, a little bit Tig. 

Now that I have Bubs, I can grieve them in a way I couldn't before.  I understand now what I lost.  And also what I have.  Bubs is an amazing, mischievous little thing with the most amazing smile and often a naughty sparkle in the eye.  She is my world.

I was on facebook this morning, and a friend had shared this piece on grief.  It is a great read, and I really have to share it.  Some people may not agree with it, and may prefer to believe things happen for a reason, and to me that is fine.  It just isn't how I look at the world.  I don't believe any of my early losses happened so that Bubs would happen.  Each event happened, sure, but there is no causation there.  Those losses happened.  I love my Bubs, and I realize that if any of those earlier pregnancies had stuck, I wouldn't have Bubs.  I would have a different Bubs, a Bubs I am sure I would love just as much as I love my Bubs.  A different world.  Those losses weren't meant to be, they weren't necessary to arrive at my Bubs, to make me love and appreciate her even more.  To believe so, I think, cheapens the losses and places a lot of weight on Bub's shoulders.

Now for something a little lighter- my 5 month old cutie:

The hat she is wearing has little bear ears...she just moved around so much it was hard to keep them visible!!  It is also hard to believe she is 5 months old!!  5 MONTHS!!!  

**I think, given some of the things I said above, I would like to point something out.  I am incredibly pro-choice.  I know above I spoke of my losses from a "life begins at conception" side.  That is sort of how I have looked at it lately.  But that is my view, for my situation, in which a baby was desperately wanted, and it doesn't apply to everyone in every situation.  I don't want in anyway to imply that my view is the "true" and "only" one.  And I don't think I really implied that above, but nonetheless, I feel like it is important for me to add this wee note to my post.  

 

Housekeeping

I have started up my fitness blog.  I have written one post in one week, when I was aiming at posting more, but oh well, it has started.  As has, more or less, my attempts at getting fitter.  So far so good (or so-so good...I have had lapses).  You can find me here.  If you want.  It will probably be pretty boring for a while (it should get exciting when Bubs is old enough for us to take her tramping, and then there will be stunning photos- not because I am a great photographer, but because we live in such a beautiful place).

In the meantime, I have a few little housekeeping things I am going to do with this blog.  I want to link a few things to various posts, update the pages, and generally just make this blog an easy place to navigate for anyone new who stumbles upon it, or for anyone who has been here before and wants to look back at something.  I always searched out blogs that seemed similar to what I was going through, even the ones that had been sitting in the dust for a few years, so I assume there are others who do this, who may find this blog, and could find some of it insightful or comforting, or whatever.

I will also pop up a final post.  I think my thoughts on the whole thing.  Everything.  All the things.  I am actually going to do it right (even spellcheck it), so it will be sometime before that happens.  I have got a massive work project that I need to get done in the next two months, and Bubs is very good at helping me procrastinate.   I will be lucky if I post it before Christmas.

Of course I will still be reading all the blogs I follow.  When I got preggers, I decided I would keep reading all the blogs until all the bloggers got their happy endings.  There are still a few of them out there, and I will be cheering them on, lurking and maybe even commenting.  But I won't be blogging here anymore.  Not until we try to go for baby #2, and even then I have mixed feelings.  But I will get into all that on my last post. 

Of course, anyone wishing to contact me can email me, or comment on this blog, as I will eventually see it (probably not at first, I don't check that often).  

Coming Soon...

So I have decided to do a fitness blog.  It won't be here, as I want a clean slate, but I will provide a link when I eventually get around to creating the page.  Hopefully soon. 

I need to do this because I am really struggling with my weight.  Breastfeeding is not a magical diet for me, it seems.  I am up 6kg from my pregnancy weight.  I look more pregnant now than I did when I was pregnant!!  And I want to eat all the things, especially the chocolate things.  Self control is not strong at the moment.  Blogging will help keep me accountable, I hope.  

So my goal is to have a page created and a first post written by the end of the week.  I just need to figure out a plan that will work for me and my dieting beliefs (which are basically that diets don't work). 

And Bubs is 4 months old today!!!  My goal for her is to force her to do more tummy time (oh the screams and the tears I have to look forward to here!!), and start using the cloth nappies more.  But the good news is I have got her sleeping longer!  Earlier to bed, later to rise!!  But she sounds like she is waking up now, which will coincide with laundry in the wash finishing up and brownies needing to come out of the oven (yeah, yeah, I know, brownies are not healthy...I told you I have a problem with the chocolate!).

NICU Revisited

We have been home from the NICU for two months now.  Two months isn't that long, and yet it feels like ages ago, a memory so distant that the reality of it is questionable.  Were we really there for 6 weeks?  And yet...some things bring it back into such sudden sharpness that it leaves me stunned.  A news program featuring some medical advancements, and instantly I can hear the alarms on monitors.  I can feel the quiet pressure of parents trying to hold it together day after day after day.  The warmth of the room, the dry and cracking skin of hands washed over and over.  The silence of babies too little or too sick to cry.

The thing is, I coped well with it at the time by pushing all these things aside.  After all, my baby was doing well.  She was never in any real danger (apart from that third day when they thought she may have had an infection since she wasn't digesting the tiny amount of milk she was receiving through her ng tube).  When meeting with other NICU moms in the parent room, or the pumping station, or just in the hallways, when they asked how she was doing, my answer was always the same.  She was doing great.  Sometimes I dreaded asking that question back.  Sometimes I knew their babies were struggling.  And yet they held it together.  If they could do this, then I had no business falling apart when things were going so well for me.  A sort of survivor's guilt?  I don't know. 

Last week one of the babies from the NICU passed away.  He had been born at 24 weeks, just at 500g, and the doctors initially thought he wouldn't make it.  But he did, for 23 weeks.  He made it through surgeries, blood transfusions, infections.  When I was in the NICU, he and his mum had been there the longest.  When I left the NICU, he actually weighed more than Bubs, and was holding his temperature better, even though he still needed oxygen.  Everyone thought he would be heading home in September, or maybe October. 

I really feel for his parents.  His mum (who lived a short distance from the hospital) was in every day, doing skin to skin and feeding him and just sitting with him.  For 23 weeks.  Her heart must be breaking over and over again.  How does she fill her day now?  I can't even begin to imagine the feeling of emptiness.  Empty arms, empty hours. 

A full term but very sick baby died while Bubs and I were still in the NICU, and I remember talking with the other mums about this, about how terrible and awkward we all feel, wheeling breast pumps past grieving families, doing skin to skin in the same room with parents who have only a short time in which they can do the same with their babies.  Now this mum, who witnessed the passing of two other NICU babies, has become the grieving parent.  When we talked about how horrible it was, I am sure neither of us ever expected to be in those shoes.  We were out of the woods.  Or so it felt.

After hearing about her wee boy passing away, I just cuddled Bubs all day.  I am thankful and lucky.  Things could have been so different, and I am so glad to have her here and healthy, despite the rather dramatic early entrance.  No matter how much I try, or how distant in the past it gets, the NICU will never really leave me.  I will always remember.  The other mums and the camaraderie.  The grief and the joys.  The kindness of the nurses.  The stress of maintaining such a routine, day in and day out.  The sounds, the smells, the noises, the heaviness of it all.  It is all so fuzzy and distant until it is not.  Something triggers it.  And I do feel it.  Sometimes I cry.  Sometimes I try to think of something else.  Sometimes I just pick up Bubs and cuddle her.  I am so proud of how far she has come.

The first picture of Bubs.

Bubs at 14 weeks.

Three and a half months, with photos!

We've been busy.  First getting ready for my parents to visit, then surprisingly busy doing things while they were here, and now deciding that we aren't going to sleep much during the day, and oh yeah, lets both catch a cold. 

Anyway, Bubs is three and a half months.  A few weeks ago she made it to 7lbs.  Not sure what she would be now, but more than that.  She is quickly outgrowing her new born sizes, and is mostly fitting 0-3 months.  Carters fit her best, because she is long and skinny, and lots of other brands seem to be shorter in the torso or legs, and wider.  Anyway, turns out I only have a few things in this size range that fit her well.  Bugger. 

I buried her in her toys...I love this photo, it looks like she is pretending to be a hairdresser and having a good gossip with teddy.  

We set up a "photo shoot" when my mom was here...this one is a bit blurry, but I like how peaceful she looks!

From the photo shoot.  This one is my favorite!

A sleepy smile (sleeping on her grandma).

This is the expression we refer to as "bath eyes", because when you put her in a bath, her face freezes this way and she goes still (well, used to, she has discovered wiggling but the face stays the same).  She makes this face at things that surprise her, or that she just can't figure out.

Cleo trying to teach Bubs to roll over.  

I have to admit, I am slack on tummy time because she hates it so much.  She loves to be held upright though, I at least that is something.  She has good control of her neck and head then.  But we are making an effort now to spend more time on the dreaded tummy.  She has rolled from tummy to back about half a dozen times, but she easily gets frustrated and forgets how.  She can roll easily in my arms though.

Her head is a bit flattened on the right, and has been since she left the NICU.  She strongly prefers that side and it doesn't really matter what you do, she will go back to it.  But she is starting to sleep more and more on the left, so I am not too worried.  One of the NICU docs who came up this way to see NICU grads that live afar said I should put a wedge on the right to prevent her from lying on that side, but I am choosing to ignore him based on the fact that I don't want her to suffocate!  SIDS, SUDI, whichever you call it, I am not about to risk it.  The well child nurse agreed with me.  Anyway, working on that tummy time now.  

 

As far as my postpartum fun time goes...my parents being here naturally meant that we ate only junk food for 10 whole days.  So I am up a few pounds now.  Definitely more than I weighed during pregnancy.  And now I am used to indulging, so it is going to be even harder to loose.  Arg.  But the weather is getting nicer so Bubs and I are getting out for walks more now.

 

My tummy still has some impressive nerve damage that prevents me from wearing my pre-pregnancy jeans for more than a few hours.  The fact that the jeans are too tight in the waist wouldn't be too much of an issue otherwise (they have some stretch to them), but the pressure just kills the nerves.  

I am still taking the mini pill, and my period has been awol.  It had shown up something like 7 or 8 weeks postpartum (grr), but hasn't returned.  I am on CD51 I guess, but I am not pregnant, so I will blame the pills and secretly be thankful!  

My hair is falling out.  More noticeably because it is long enough to be worn in a messy bun, which holds all the hair up there until I take it down to wash it, and then heaps of it comb/wash out.  I don't know how different this is to during pregnancy, because my hair during pregnancy was too short to tie back.  It is annoying though- I will have to clean the shower drain more often, and I HATE cleaning the shower drain!!

I'll try to write a post about NICU again soon, but not sure when I will get around to it.  Bubs keeps me busy.  Like me she doesn't like to sleep much during the day.  I've been trying to wear her out with play though, and it seems to be working.  She actually napped a bit yesterday.

But she is waking up now, and since I should have gone back to bed instead of blogging and internet-ing, I guess I had best skul this cup of coffee!