Wednesday, 21 June 2017

Poos, Spews and Bodily Functions

1.  The Case of the Mystery Spew.

An early winter's morning.  The Moose has left for work.  Both cats are hanging around, probably enjoying the warmth of the fire and the quiet of the morning.  The toddler is still in bed.  I am breastfeeding the bubs and eating my oatmeal (good for milk production, as I have had some problems in this area).  I finish my oatmeal, bubs finishes her feed, so I get up to change her nappy.  The change table is behind the couch I had been sitting on, my empty oatmeal bowl is on a little end table in front of the couch.  I change the nappy, go into the kitchen to throw it away, and return with bubs to the couch so she can have the other boob.  But.  But there is a circular puddle of something that looks suspiciously like oatmeal next to my bowl.  The bowl I had left empty, or nearly empty.  For a moment I think perhaps I had boiled it over in the microwave and not noticed, and that is what this puddle is.  But it doesn't check out.  My bowl was sitting on a cork board trivet the whole time and the puddle is on the table in front of it.  Then I think perhaps bubs has managed to spew over my shoulder when I got up, but a quick check over my left shoulder reveals that I am spew free.  Plus, if she had spewed and it hit the table, I should have heard some sort of splat.  In my cofused, sleep deprived haze I go to the kitchen and get a dish cloth.  When I wipe up the puddle I discover it is all mucus-y.  Now gagging I realize the oatmeal like bits in the puddle are likely worms.  I was 2 weeks late with the worming tablets, which I had given both cats the night before, and clearly one of the cats did not approve.  My money is on Cleo.  She looked a little guilty.

2.  The Case of the Mystery Poo.

Toffee is doubly incontinent, due to an accident 4 years ago.  I express her bladder twice a day, and poos have a way of creeping up on her and happening where ever she may be.  The other day she was in the kitchen window.  She pooed on the counter next to the sink and hopped down and ran outside (as I called out "Thanks a lot, Toffee, you asshole").  I cleaned the poos off the counter top and sprayed loo spray.  A while later I was making brownies.  The toddler was dancing in the living room and the bubs was being rocked by my foot in her bassinet in the kitchen.  I could still smell poos.  I looked high and low.  Nothing.  So I cleaned the counter top with another cleaner, and started the washing up (we do not have a dishwasher).  Still the poo smell lingered.  Some time later the toddler ate some yogurt, wanted more, but didn't actually want more.  I went to wash the remainder down the drain, but the water wouldn't go down very well.  Something was blocking the drain.  Yes, it was a Toffee turd.  I rewashed all the dishes in the hottest water my hands could take.  Thanks a lot, Toffee, you asshole.

3.  And The Universe Still Works.

Lately I have been struggling with nausea.  Not too bad, and it comes and goes, but it has no real pattern.  I feel sick if I eat, I feel sick if I don't eat.  An awful lot like when I was preggers.  And my intestines have been on the fritz the last few weeks too,  Just like when I was preggers.  We are not trying for another, Bubs is not even 4 months yet, for fucks sake!  And after watching one episode of "I didn't know I was pregnant" I am now all kinds of paranoid.  I sneakily buy $20 pack of FRERs from the supermarket, and promptly pee on one.  Negative.  THANK GOD.  Next day, wham!  Period.  Nothing like pissing on $20 to bring on the period.  This is a universal truth that has followed me forever, especially when not trying to get preggers.  Pee on a stick, 24 hours later, period.  No idea on the nausea and excessive intestinal distress, but clearly it is not pregnancy. 

4.  4:30am Massive Bubby Deuce.

That speaks for itself.  Also, she did spew over my shoulder.  Totally heard the splat as it hit the floor.


  1. Hahaha! Bodily functions make the world go round. Hoping the rest of your week is less gross.
    I remember phantom pregnancy symptoms around 4-5 months post partum. I thought I was just strange but other people have described similar things. I had phantom kicks. It was unnerving as heck.

  2. I've never heard of phantom pregnancy symptoms- but I am glad I am not alone in the weirdness! I felt "kicks" after bubs #1 but that was when I was still in the hospital post c-section, so I assumed at the time it was just air and my insides settling back into place! The postpartum experience with a full term baby is very different from that with a preemie. Hope your pregnancy is going well and the nausea has gotten more manageable!