October Thoughts

Last October we suffered our last early miscarriage.

Last October Bubs was conceived the cycle following that last loss.  We didn't find out until November, but October 25th, give or take 24 hours, wee Bubs was created.  A year ago she was just a group of cells working her way towards a comfy home in the uterus.

I've been pretty flat out busy with my work project, with wee Bubs, and with moving the Moose's mother to the rest home up here (well, indirectly busy with the last part- the Moose's absence creates more work for me), but all the same I have been thinking a lot lately.

Those early losses, at the time, were a frustration.  An obstacle to overcome.  They were the loss of a dream, a goal, but not the loss of anything tangent.  I don't think I really understood until holding Bubs, and even then, it has taken five months for me to really feel the loss of those other little lives that blinked into existence and just as quickly out.  Maybe they were nothing more than cells with a genetic composition that could never mean life, or maybe they didn't stand a chance against a hostile uterus that didn't want them to implant.  Maybe they could never have been.  But when I look into Bub's eyes, I think about them.  Would they have had eyes so blue?  Hair so thick and dark?  Would they have been smiley, happy bubbies?  Would they have been shy, outgoing?  Knowing my Bubs has enabled me to feel their loss as I hadn't felt it before.  Not just the loss of a dream, but the loss of something real.  The loss of little bundles that were a little bit Moose, a little bit Tig. 

Now that I have Bubs, I can grieve them in a way I couldn't before.  I understand now what I lost.  And also what I have.  Bubs is an amazing, mischievous little thing with the most amazing smile and often a naughty sparkle in the eye.  She is my world.

I was on facebook this morning, and a friend had shared this piece on grief.  It is a great read, and I really have to share it.  Some people may not agree with it, and may prefer to believe things happen for a reason, and to me that is fine.  It just isn't how I look at the world.  I don't believe any of my early losses happened so that Bubs would happen.  Each event happened, sure, but there is no causation there.  Those losses happened.  I love my Bubs, and I realize that if any of those earlier pregnancies had stuck, I wouldn't have Bubs.  I would have a different Bubs, a Bubs I am sure I would love just as much as I love my Bubs.  A different world.  Those losses weren't meant to be, they weren't necessary to arrive at my Bubs, to make me love and appreciate her even more.  To believe so, I think, cheapens the losses and places a lot of weight on Bub's shoulders.

Now for something a little lighter- my 5 month old cutie:

The hat she is wearing has little bear ears...she just moved around so much it was hard to keep them visible!!  It is also hard to believe she is 5 months old!!  5 MONTHS!!!  

**I think, given some of the things I said above, I would like to point something out.  I am incredibly pro-choice.  I know above I spoke of my losses from a "life begins at conception" side.  That is sort of how I have looked at it lately.  But that is my view, for my situation, in which a baby was desperately wanted, and it doesn't apply to everyone in every situation.  I don't want in anyway to imply that my view is the "true" and "only" one.  And I don't think I really implied that above, but nonetheless, I feel like it is important for me to add this wee note to my post.  

 

Housekeeping

I have started up my fitness blog.  I have written one post in one week, when I was aiming at posting more, but oh well, it has started.  As has, more or less, my attempts at getting fitter.  So far so good (or so-so good...I have had lapses).  You can find me here.  If you want.  It will probably be pretty boring for a while (it should get exciting when Bubs is old enough for us to take her tramping, and then there will be stunning photos- not because I am a great photographer, but because we live in such a beautiful place).

In the meantime, I have a few little housekeeping things I am going to do with this blog.  I want to link a few things to various posts, update the pages, and generally just make this blog an easy place to navigate for anyone new who stumbles upon it, or for anyone who has been here before and wants to look back at something.  I always searched out blogs that seemed similar to what I was going through, even the ones that had been sitting in the dust for a few years, so I assume there are others who do this, who may find this blog, and could find some of it insightful or comforting, or whatever.

I will also pop up a final post.  I think my thoughts on the whole thing.  Everything.  All the things.  I am actually going to do it right (even spellcheck it), so it will be sometime before that happens.  I have got a massive work project that I need to get done in the next two months, and Bubs is very good at helping me procrastinate.   I will be lucky if I post it before Christmas.

Of course I will still be reading all the blogs I follow.  When I got preggers, I decided I would keep reading all the blogs until all the bloggers got their happy endings.  There are still a few of them out there, and I will be cheering them on, lurking and maybe even commenting.  But I won't be blogging here anymore.  Not until we try to go for baby #2, and even then I have mixed feelings.  But I will get into all that on my last post. 

Of course, anyone wishing to contact me can email me, or comment on this blog, as I will eventually see it (probably not at first, I don't check that often).  

Coming Soon...

So I have decided to do a fitness blog.  It won't be here, as I want a clean slate, but I will provide a link when I eventually get around to creating the page.  Hopefully soon. 

I need to do this because I am really struggling with my weight.  Breastfeeding is not a magical diet for me, it seems.  I am up 6kg from my pregnancy weight.  I look more pregnant now than I did when I was pregnant!!  And I want to eat all the things, especially the chocolate things.  Self control is not strong at the moment.  Blogging will help keep me accountable, I hope.  

So my goal is to have a page created and a first post written by the end of the week.  I just need to figure out a plan that will work for me and my dieting beliefs (which are basically that diets don't work). 

And Bubs is 4 months old today!!!  My goal for her is to force her to do more tummy time (oh the screams and the tears I have to look forward to here!!), and start using the cloth nappies more.  But the good news is I have got her sleeping longer!  Earlier to bed, later to rise!!  But she sounds like she is waking up now, which will coincide with laundry in the wash finishing up and brownies needing to come out of the oven (yeah, yeah, I know, brownies are not healthy...I told you I have a problem with the chocolate!).

NICU Revisited

We have been home from the NICU for two months now.  Two months isn't that long, and yet it feels like ages ago, a memory so distant that the reality of it is questionable.  Were we really there for 6 weeks?  And yet...some things bring it back into such sudden sharpness that it leaves me stunned.  A news program featuring some medical advancements, and instantly I can hear the alarms on monitors.  I can feel the quiet pressure of parents trying to hold it together day after day after day.  The warmth of the room, the dry and cracking skin of hands washed over and over.  The silence of babies too little or too sick to cry.

The thing is, I coped well with it at the time by pushing all these things aside.  After all, my baby was doing well.  She was never in any real danger (apart from that third day when they thought she may have had an infection since she wasn't digesting the tiny amount of milk she was receiving through her ng tube).  When meeting with other NICU moms in the parent room, or the pumping station, or just in the hallways, when they asked how she was doing, my answer was always the same.  She was doing great.  Sometimes I dreaded asking that question back.  Sometimes I knew their babies were struggling.  And yet they held it together.  If they could do this, then I had no business falling apart when things were going so well for me.  A sort of survivor's guilt?  I don't know. 

Last week one of the babies from the NICU passed away.  He had been born at 24 weeks, just at 500g, and the doctors initially thought he wouldn't make it.  But he did, for 23 weeks.  He made it through surgeries, blood transfusions, infections.  When I was in the NICU, he and his mum had been there the longest.  When I left the NICU, he actually weighed more than Bubs, and was holding his temperature better, even though he still needed oxygen.  Everyone thought he would be heading home in September, or maybe October. 

I really feel for his parents.  His mum (who lived a short distance from the hospital) was in every day, doing skin to skin and feeding him and just sitting with him.  For 23 weeks.  Her heart must be breaking over and over again.  How does she fill her day now?  I can't even begin to imagine the feeling of emptiness.  Empty arms, empty hours. 

A full term but very sick baby died while Bubs and I were still in the NICU, and I remember talking with the other mums about this, about how terrible and awkward we all feel, wheeling breast pumps past grieving families, doing skin to skin in the same room with parents who have only a short time in which they can do the same with their babies.  Now this mum, who witnessed the passing of two other NICU babies, has become the grieving parent.  When we talked about how horrible it was, I am sure neither of us ever expected to be in those shoes.  We were out of the woods.  Or so it felt.

After hearing about her wee boy passing away, I just cuddled Bubs all day.  I am thankful and lucky.  Things could have been so different, and I am so glad to have her here and healthy, despite the rather dramatic early entrance.  No matter how much I try, or how distant in the past it gets, the NICU will never really leave me.  I will always remember.  The other mums and the camaraderie.  The grief and the joys.  The kindness of the nurses.  The stress of maintaining such a routine, day in and day out.  The sounds, the smells, the noises, the heaviness of it all.  It is all so fuzzy and distant until it is not.  Something triggers it.  And I do feel it.  Sometimes I cry.  Sometimes I try to think of something else.  Sometimes I just pick up Bubs and cuddle her.  I am so proud of how far she has come.

The first picture of Bubs.

Bubs at 14 weeks.

Three and a half months, with photos!

We've been busy.  First getting ready for my parents to visit, then surprisingly busy doing things while they were here, and now deciding that we aren't going to sleep much during the day, and oh yeah, lets both catch a cold. 

Anyway, Bubs is three and a half months.  A few weeks ago she made it to 7lbs.  Not sure what she would be now, but more than that.  She is quickly outgrowing her new born sizes, and is mostly fitting 0-3 months.  Carters fit her best, because she is long and skinny, and lots of other brands seem to be shorter in the torso or legs, and wider.  Anyway, turns out I only have a few things in this size range that fit her well.  Bugger. 

I buried her in her toys...I love this photo, it looks like she is pretending to be a hairdresser and having a good gossip with teddy.  

We set up a "photo shoot" when my mom was here...this one is a bit blurry, but I like how peaceful she looks!

From the photo shoot.  This one is my favorite!

A sleepy smile (sleeping on her grandma).

This is the expression we refer to as "bath eyes", because when you put her in a bath, her face freezes this way and she goes still (well, used to, she has discovered wiggling but the face stays the same).  She makes this face at things that surprise her, or that she just can't figure out.

Cleo trying to teach Bubs to roll over.  

I have to admit, I am slack on tummy time because she hates it so much.  She loves to be held upright though, I at least that is something.  She has good control of her neck and head then.  But we are making an effort now to spend more time on the dreaded tummy.  She has rolled from tummy to back about half a dozen times, but she easily gets frustrated and forgets how.  She can roll easily in my arms though.

Her head is a bit flattened on the right, and has been since she left the NICU.  She strongly prefers that side and it doesn't really matter what you do, she will go back to it.  But she is starting to sleep more and more on the left, so I am not too worried.  One of the NICU docs who came up this way to see NICU grads that live afar said I should put a wedge on the right to prevent her from lying on that side, but I am choosing to ignore him based on the fact that I don't want her to suffocate!  SIDS, SUDI, whichever you call it, I am not about to risk it.  The well child nurse agreed with me.  Anyway, working on that tummy time now.  

 

As far as my postpartum fun time goes...my parents being here naturally meant that we ate only junk food for 10 whole days.  So I am up a few pounds now.  Definitely more than I weighed during pregnancy.  And now I am used to indulging, so it is going to be even harder to loose.  Arg.  But the weather is getting nicer so Bubs and I are getting out for walks more now.

 

My tummy still has some impressive nerve damage that prevents me from wearing my pre-pregnancy jeans for more than a few hours.  The fact that the jeans are too tight in the waist wouldn't be too much of an issue otherwise (they have some stretch to them), but the pressure just kills the nerves.  

I am still taking the mini pill, and my period has been awol.  It had shown up something like 7 or 8 weeks postpartum (grr), but hasn't returned.  I am on CD51 I guess, but I am not pregnant, so I will blame the pills and secretly be thankful!  

My hair is falling out.  More noticeably because it is long enough to be worn in a messy bun, which holds all the hair up there until I take it down to wash it, and then heaps of it comb/wash out.  I don't know how different this is to during pregnancy, because my hair during pregnancy was too short to tie back.  It is annoying though- I will have to clean the shower drain more often, and I HATE cleaning the shower drain!!

I'll try to write a post about NICU again soon, but not sure when I will get around to it.  Bubs keeps me busy.  Like me she doesn't like to sleep much during the day.  I've been trying to wear her out with play though, and it seems to be working.  She actually napped a bit yesterday.

But she is waking up now, and since I should have gone back to bed instead of blogging and internet-ing, I guess I had best skul this cup of coffee!

Stuff and Things

My parents will be here in about an hour.  The Moose just went to pick them up from the airport.  They are here for 10 days.  I am sooo looking forward to getting some sleep, since I will pretty much only be needed for feeding Bubs for the next 10 days.  And even that is only assuming they don't find the frozen breast milk or the bottles and decide to go it themselves (they won't, I am joking here). 

Poor poor Moose.  I got a bit violent with him last night and gave him one hell of a fright.  I got Bubs down to sleep, and was trying to get to sleep myself (and failing miserably) when he came to bed and turned on the light.  Which was just enough to nudge Bubs slowly awake, so by the time he turned the light off, she was up and squacking.  He of course was sound asleep.  So I gave him one hell of a nudge and a yell when my not so subtle sighs didn't get his attention.  It took forever to get Bubs back to sleep, since she just wanted to comfort suck and would wake as soon as I moved her (she got her jabs that day).  So in the end I just put her back in the bassinet and decided to clean the shower drain and the cat box.  I was secretly hoping she would wake up screaming and wake the Moose.  If I can't sleep, why should he??  But Bubs stayed asleep.  At least I got a nice long shower and a chance to shave my legs.  Even if I got to sleep only an hour before Bub's next feeding.  And then for two hours after that. 

So with all my frantic cleaning, I have stuffed my back as well.  Sigh. 

Bubs is waking up, so I need to put another log on the fire and change her into a cute outfit to meet her grandparents.  And maybe I can get the laundry hung if she feeds quickly.

Also, how many times do you have to not so subtly mention chocolate before a Moose will go to the store to get some for a poor Tig??  Sigh.

Whoop whoop boo

Bubs is sound asleep in the bassinet.  Instead of getting anything checked off my to do list, I thought I would hop on and have a winge.  Turns out it may have been the right choice.  Bubs is starting to stir so I probably wouldn't get anything done anyway!!

So...as of last week, my small little town is a part of a whooping cough outbreak.  Bubs and I are undergoing self-imposed quarantine.  Well, Bubs is, and by necessity I am, though I can go out to the shops when the Moose is home.  I got my vaccine at 28 weeks 1 day preggers, and Bubs got her 6 week vaccines before we left the NICU (at 5 and a half weeks gestation), and she gets her three month vaccines next week.  But I don't want to chance it.  She won't be fully protected yet.  And so I put a message on facebook saying please no visitors.  And people have been pretty supportive, which is cool.

I am all for immunizing.  I personally believe it is very important, not only for the health of my bubby but for that of the community at large, and to protect those who absolutely can not be immunized due to medical reasons.  While I absolutely believe parents have a right to choose not to immunize their children, I believe they also have a responsibility to the community and to their families, and I believe they should do their research and really run a risk analysis on it.  There is a lot of bogus science out there, and they should look beyond what celebrities and discredited doctors say.  And if they still choose not to immunize their children, well, that is their decision but with it comes some repercussions, like their children being unable to attend school during an outbreak and being at a higher risk of catching a serious disease or passing it on to someone who, for medical reasons, can't be immunized and has no choice in the matter.

I am not a germaphobe.  I hardly ever get sick.  Honestly I hope Bub's follows after me and has a really robust immune system.  But perhaps not so robust that it attacks every kind of pollen that comes its way.   But either way, until this whooping cough outbreak runs its course, Bubs is stuck at home.  And mostly I am too.  Good thing I have a massive to do list to get ready for my parents visit in a week.  And they have both been immunized recently.

Here is Bub's chatting away to her elephant.  Well, grunting is more like it.  It was, in fact, a day of multiple Poonamis, hence the peaceful grunting to the elephant.  Anyway, she is 11 weeks here (3 corrected) and 6lbs!!  And she can grab that elephant, but can't pull it to her mouth, which she tries like hell to do.  Mostly she just ends up batting the elephant around.  And the other day she discovered that she can reach up and grab Mommy's lower lip.  I think it was her hint for me to shut up.