Saturday, 13 December 2014

Cat shaming, husband shaming, spider shaming...

Thanks Cleo.

The Moose:

Cheeseburger pizza, with green pepper, onion, beef, and PICKLES, drizzled with mustard.

This one requires a bit more of an explanation.  I wanted cheeseburger pizza for dinner instead of stir fry.  So I sent the Moose to the grocery store to buy mince (ground beef), sauce, cheese, mustard and PICKLES while I got started on the base.  He was taking a lot longer than he should have, but he doesn't do the shopping, so I figured he was having a hard time finding something.  So I hopped in the shower, and missed a text from him.  This is what the text said:  "C nt find ur pickles".

He came home without pickles.  Pickles are what make cheeseburger pizza AMAZING.  Plus, you know, pregnant.  Pickles.  MUST EAT ALL THE PICKLES.   For shame Moose, coming home without the pickles!!  Why couldn't he find the pickles??  Because New Zealand calls the ones I wanted gherkins, and I call them pickles.  Lost in translation (though I had shown him the empty jar of exactly what I wanted before he left, so no excuses).  So I had to run to the store to get my beloved pickles.  As a side note, I have always loved pickles, and have been known to eat a pickle after eating ice cream.  As a palate cleanser.  This is not a pregnancy thing.  This is how I roll.

So the text.  I chose to read that first word a bit differently, which sort of turned the sentence funny.  So Moose, for shame missing the "a" in "can't" and allowing me to accuse you of calling me the c-word.  And also, "ur"??  You are 53 years old.  You know what grammar is, and yes I know you can't figure out predictive text and refuse to use it.  Stop being lazy.

The Spiders:

Now, I hate spiders.  With a passion.  They are evil and are out to take over the world.  But I tolerate, TOLERATE, daddy long legs.  They don't even look like real spiders.  Now I don't want them on me, but I will let them live.  Even in the house.  Even in the very small bathroom.  Even on my artwork from my time living in Japan.  Until Mr. Daddy Long Legs shits on my artwork.  That dark spot circled in black is spider shit.  The other flecks are a part of the cardboard the painting is on, but this one is darker and noticeable.  I did chase the spider away from the poo before I took the picture, but I couldn't get him off my painting, so I had to get the Moose to remove him.

Spiders, you are all on notice.  I will set Cleo on you.  This is what she does to the plastic spider Mom and I have been shipping back and forth for two years now.

That is a super fast motion mauling.

Thanks Cleo.
I might even forgive you for slipping me the tongue while I was mouth-breathing in my sleep.
If you maul the shit out of the spiders.  You did well with the centipede the other day.  Keep it up.

But seriously, don't ever lick me in the mouth again.


  1. This post is cracking me up! In part because sometimes when I send my husband to the store for groceries I will take pictures of what I need and text them to his phone. That cheeseburger pizza SOUNDS amazing. I have sworn to give up pizza until I'm 13 weeks. Color me jealous!

    1. What a great idea! I would have to get my husband a new phone (his is a really really old one that just hasn't yet met its death in the vineyards), and then teach him how to use it. Watching him try to answer my phone is hilarious ("Swipe it, honey, like your kindle!" as he furiously taps and sort of swipes in every direction possible while growing more and more frustrated). My sister makes a pizza base out of cauliflower that is supposed to be really good...would that technically count as pizza or could you maybe have that?

    2. Ooh, I have a recipe for that pinned! I don't think that would count, because there's one specific pizza, from a local place, that I'm craving. The crust is totally white everything and the sauce has a lot of sugar in it. BUT IT IS SO GOOD. We used to get it at least a couple of times a month. Small price to pay, giving it up, so I'm holding strong.