Sunday, 12 October 2014

Deja Vu, mais ou est Aunt Flo?

At 14dpo, 4pm, getting ready for a work party to mark the end of pruning, and anticipating beers I pull out my last FRER.  I've had no symptoms (well, nothing strong enough and everything can be attributed to something else), but I don't really feel like my period is coming, though I have been spotting brown since the previous day.  Negative internet cheapies on 10 and 12 dpo.  But I want to have beers, so might as well get my negative and guarantee my period by peeing on the expensive stick.

Me:  "...I think there's a, look.  Do you see it?"

Moose:  "...No."

Me:  "I'm not crazy, there is a line there.  It's just really really faint.  Look at it in natural light.  Now do you see it?"

Moose:  "...No."

Me:  "Put your glasses on.  I swear I am not crazy.  Now?"

Moose:  "...No."

Me:  "Look at this picture of it inverted on my phone.  See?  I'm not crazy."

Moose:  "Sorry honey, I don't see anything."

Me (glaring at test):  "Ah, fuck it, I'm crazy."  (and in my head: "Totally getting drunk at the work party tonight")

At 15dpo, early in the am, hungover as buggery, wondering where the period is.  Look at 14dpo stick in morning light, and guess what, that was a line.  A nice pink line that is not an evap.  Can I be happy about it?  No, and not just because I drank enough beer to give this potential child flippers.  Anxiety sets in.  Another faint line.  Like last time. Temp is back up, but that could be the beers (so much for Sober-tober).  Guess I will have to go buy some more FRERs.  Test in afternoon again.  Maybe a line.  Maybe.  Even harder to see than the other was.  Maybe it will darken later (it doesn't).  Still no period, no cramps, just very little brown spotting.  Great.  I will either get to enjoy a very early miscarriage while tramping on a demanding track, or I will be maybe pregnant and fearing one hitting me while on said track, making it impossible for me to make it out on my own.  I am not looking forward to reading that in the newspaper "Local Woman Airlifted by Helicopter From Difficult Track Due to Period" because I am sure that's how it would appear.  Urgh.  Nothing to do but wait and see and spend most of the day with Dr. Google. 

Today, 16dpo, with first morning urine.  I hadn't drank anything since 10pm the night before, because I drink water like it is going out of fashion (kidney stone when I was 18 and not going to EVER have another if I can help it).  FRER is pretty stark white.  There could be a line, but even I can't see it.  On the bright side, the Moose concedes that the 14dpo stick does have a line that he can now see (if he holds it about five feet away...might be time to get his eyes checked again).  Cramps are worse (longer than the five minutes they were lasting before), and spotting is still brown but there is more of it.  And the biggest tell all, apart from the FRER, is the temp dive on my chart.  But my boobs are sore now, and they weren't before.  So...

I have spent most of this morning searching the internet for any sign that maybe this could turn out well, because hope is a terrible thing.  I know what is going to happen here, as much as I think I kind of knew on 14dpo when I thought I saw that faint line but couldn't be sure it wasn't line eye.  Everything was perfect this cycle.  My chart was beautiful.  Clear ovulation cd13, perfectly timed intercourse, temp dip 7dpo, higher temps after.  But negative tests on 10 and 12dpo.  A faint positive on 14dpo?  There is no way this is ending well for me, and for every pregnancy chart on fertility friend with a drop at 15 or 16dpo that appeared to carry on as a pregnancy, there are probably ten that ended in miscarriage.  For every low beta, late hpt, slow rise type of thing that ended well, there are lots that didn't.  And I am not getting faint lines now.  But also not really bleeding.  Not red blood.  Not yet.  And so there is a part of me that hopes, even when I know all is lost and it ain't gonna happen. 

I'm calling it.  I need to.  Chemical Pregnancy Number Two. I just hope the bleeding starts today so I know if I can handle it on this tramp (we will go on Tuesday), or if I will have to throw in the towel and spend the next four days on the toilet in terrible pain.  I am thinking this one will be more like a "heavier period" with "heavier cramping" that the internet describes, rather than the full on explosion of lady parts that happened last time (because shit, that was only a little less worse than my kidney stone).

I'll go see the doctor in the morning.  Maybe since I seem to be getting pregnant on my own, she can do some tests or something.  I have about 4-5 kg to lose to get my public funded referral to the fertility clinic, but maybe there is something we can do in the meantime.  If nothing else I can have a good whinge to someone who has to listen to me.  The poor Moose hasn't said it, but he is getting sick of the fact that I can talk of nothing else.  (He may murder me if I ask him to look at all my peesticks one more time...because he has looked at them many, many times at my request and seen nothing new)

"Aunt Flo must be back at the diner, because this period doesn't have any."  A Woogism.  He was the coach of the Minnesota Gophers hockey team, and later a radio/tv commentator for the Gopher games.  And like the hockey game he was referring to, I've got no Flo.  So please Aunt Flo come back from that diner soon so I can go tramping.  Or stay away and let me be wrong about this pregnancy.  There goes that damn hope again. 

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