AWOL

I haven't posted in a while.  I suppose I have a number of reasons (excuses):  I've been busy (well, sort of true), I've been tired (definitely true), I don't really participate in the community at all (I am a lurker though) and therefore no one is wondering where I am or why I am not blogging, and I always seem to think about blogging halfway through my two week wait.  I have blogged in my head a time or two, and I am thinking more and more about starting to comment on other blogs and get out there.  But.  Two week wait.  If I get a BFP in a week, I will kick myself in the ass for dropping myself into the infertility world.  I don't want to seem like some indecisive fertile thing..."I'm infertile too!  Let's be friends!...oh, wait, no, I got pregnant naturally...sorry..."<steps back slowly>.  Now, I have been off the pill for, oh, 17 months.  I have been charting for 5 months.  I have had one chemical pregnancy.  Am I infertile?  Who knows.  Five kilos to lose before I start my referral to the RE, and begin the round of diagnostic fun. 

So...Am I infertile?

No.  I've had a naturally occurring chemical pregnancy.  "At least I can get pregnant".  Right?  Of the 17 months trying, most were probably mistimed.  We had a flat mate I rescued from a coworker with us for 3 or 4 months, so those cycles probably had little chance.  And the others...well, lets say enthusiasm may often wear out before O day...as in "I'm tired.  Let's do it tomorrow."  The cycle we got that chemical on, we had bonked three days before O day...and not again.  Well, probably some time during the two week wait...I don't track recreational bonks.  And maybe the number one reason I may not be infertile:  I still think there is a chance it could happen naturally.  Take right now.  Excellent timing.  Temp dip at 7dpo with otherwise very steady temps (not erratic like they were during the winter...I think the warmer weather is to blame).  No real symptoms as sore boobs and slightly ucky tummy are pretty usual this time of the cycle, and anyway, I am only 8dpo so I guess I wouldn't be having many symptoms yet anyway.  But I do think we have a good chance, and if I were truly infertile, I think I would still hope, but I don't think I could hope this much.

Yes.  "Once you go off the pill, it happens so quick!"  Maybe for you, fertile friends pregnant off the first attempt, but I call bullshit.  BULL.SHIT.  Seriously.  17 months.  With regular periods.  Even with less than perfect timing, someone starting out on this at 31.5 years old would have expected it to maybe, MAYBE take 8-12 months.  I am still young(ish).  So there is a sense that nature is failing us.  And there are babies everywhere.  I never noticed them before, so what the hell?  Where did they all come from?  Don't answer that, I know where they all came from because I have googled the shit out of everything related to reproducing.  I won't say I have earned my medical degree yet, but I have researched.  I know way more about fertility, infertility, treatments, etc than the average woman.  Maybe more than the average med student.  I am somewhat bitter.  Not towards the preggos, but towards the universe.  What's that?  A's wife is due in February?  (That's the month I would have been due, thanks universe).  There is going to be another royal baby?  (huh.  Even stick insects get two it seems...thanks universe).  J and S are both getting brand spanking new grandbabies?  Of course they are!!  Another A just had her baby?  Skinny N with the runt of a hubby just birthed a 10 pound-er?  (wow, actually, thanks universe...that one just about squares us up, since you made me giggle).  P's wife must be due soon...lets all speculate on that at work all day.  That will be fun.  Sigh.  Thank you, universe, for rubbing it in.  That is not counting all the babies at the supermarket...though I usually shop Sunday mornings at 8 when the grocery store opens...then all I need to see are the scrawny turkey legs of the 80 year old nudist...yes he wears shorts to the store even in the winter, but no, they do not cover anything.  One last thing, after that chemical pregnancy...I am not sure I will trust in any pregnancy continuing...I will need some dark lines on that test, some strong heartbeats...lots of symptoms...just to keep the anxiety away.  Fertile women are probably a little anxious...I think it would be something any pregnant woman would feel.  But I will raise that bar to a rather high level.  Because I will be happy, but I will be SCARED SHITLESS.  Is it possible to wait until after delivery to tell anyone you're pregnant?  Don't want to jinx it.

So...after a long list of yeses and nos, am I infertile?  eh, maybe.  Time will tell.  So...what does it all mean?
 Well, I have named this month "Man Up-tober" (yes, I am a feminist and yes I do see what I did there.  Sorry.).  Mostly because I have gotten off track with my running.  So, I will run every day this month (unless I go tramping, because...well, Mototapu track...it should count as the whole month of running really, but this depends on getting time off of work).  I will try to eat better, but I am not calorie counting.  I did it for a while, and was eating way too little for all the running I was doing!  Probably why I got so tired.  So I will pay attention and make healthier choices. 

And...as relates to this blog and eventually winds up this whole long rant...IF I get my period next weekend, I will jump into the infertile community.  I will come out of my infertile closet.  I will start commenting instead of lurking.  I will ask the stirrup queen to please add me to the blog roll, I will ICLW.  I will blog the hell out of this craptastic journey.  I will blog fearlessly.  I will accept that if I get pregnant on my own so soon after jumping into this community...well...I may piss a few people off.  And I will have to live with that.

IF I get a BFP instead...well...I will cross that bridge if I get to it.

And it may also be a Sober-tober.  Depending on the results of my TWW. 

And to those few stragglers who managed to find my little blog and any future ones...um...sorry.  I think you were probably looking for something else.