Saturday, 8 November 2014

I am an awkward moron hoping things don't turn to custard this time around...

If anyone stumbling upon this post is in a not so fun place just now, don't bother reading ahead.  Here are some cute pics of my cats tolerating each other.  Seriously I have only caught them this close 4 times, and only been able to get the camera out 3 times.  Here are two of the pics.  (Yes, the bedroom walls are pink...they've always been that way...its a work in progress...don't judge.  And yes, the curtains came with the house.  Another work in progress).

Now, go find something else to read if you are feeling stabby.  One last cat picture of THE CUTENESS:

That's the last pic.  Read on at your own peril.

Ok.  I am an awkward moron.  Murphy's Law doesn't apply to me.  Instead, this Law of Awkwardness rules my life.  If events can combine to put me in an awkward situation, they will.  Sometimes I put myself there.  Mostly, I blame the universe.  Patron saint of awkward, that's this girl.  Guaranteed to open mouth and say the wrong thing. 

I followed through with my Man-uptober challenge to get myself out there, and you know, talking to people and stuff.  I started commenting on the blogs I follow rather than lurking, I emailed Mel over at Stirrup Queens and got myself on the blogroll.  As a result the traffic to this blog has skyrocketed.  But I was concerned, because when I emailed her, I was sitting at 7dpo.  I was worried that if I managed to get a bfp this month I would not only make myself look like an ass, but would hurt people's feelings.  I had just got my referral to visit the RE, and my doc, as I was leaving, commented that most people she refers get pregnant the month after she gives the referral.  At the time I thought "huh, yeah, right, I may get pregnant, but I'll miscarry".  But between getting the referral, and getting on the blogroll, I have inadvertently activated the Awkward Law and gotten myself pregnant.

At 9dpo, it was the squinty-est squinter ever (when Cleo used me as a scratching post).  As in could that be an indent line?  Maybe I was making myself go all cross eyed and was seeing things as a result.   But I was feeling it.  Sore boobs, a bit queasy.  Of course I checked my charts, and well, those symptoms happen every month regardless at about this time.  But...I was having a definite increase in creamy cm, and that doesn't happen except for when I am pregnant. And oh my god the smell of cooking beef nearly did it for me.  So I was conflicted.  Either something was up or it was all in my head. 

At 10dpo, a slightly less squinty squinter.  But I was really fighting some bouts of nausea.  I went out and bought some FRERs and lo and behold, at 6pm, a faint line.

At 11dpo, peeing on multiple cheapies throughout the day, and comparing squinty lines.  Are they getting darker?  Unsure but oh my god I nearly puked a few times.

12dpo was my only chance to get to the doc for a blood draw, as I couldn't leave work once the senior supervisor was away and I had to work long (LONG) hours.  As the FRER from 12dpo was darker than the first, I figured now was a good time.  If I was going to miscarry this one, I was damn sure going to catch it!  Especially since I didn't catch last month's (Beta was only at 2 after I had been bleeding for a day, so on my chart they wrote "early miscarriage unlikely" to which I would like to add bullshit).  The nurse brought up my chart, so I got to peak at my progesterone results from my Day 21 draw.  72.  Seriously.  I googled it later and proceeded to freak out.  Probably best to ask a real doc about that one.  Because damn did I ovulate this month!!!  I'm surprised my ovaries didn't explode!

13dpo.  The oh-shit-this-is-going-to-custard-why-did-I-get-my-hopes-up-again day.  The line is the same or fainter than yesterday's.  And I get a call from a different nurse, an evil nurse, regarding the beta.  She paused, then said "It doesn't look good, don't get your hopes up."  To which I asked what the number was.  She said 30, and unless it was really early, well...  I told her it was only 12dpo, which totally put her out.  She was all "normally we get people in with numbers in the 100s or 1000s" to which I wanted to punch her in the throat and tell her I am not normal!!!  I am not some person who tossed out the pill and had no idea when the first day of their last period was, and oh, hmm...where's that period, maybe I'm pregnant?  That is not me.  I know exactly where I am in this cycle thank you and I am trying to catch these miscarriages and get them documented so I can save some time later!!  Stupid cow.  If she knew shit about this, she would know that for 12dpo a beta of 30 isn't all that bad.  Not great, but not miscarriage territory.  But I didn't know that until I got home and googled away, so I spent the entire day thinking oh shit well here we go again.  So I ate a whole pizza.  With chorizo and jalapenos and hot sauce.  Comfort food.  I'm not ashamed. 

14dpo.  Today.  Another FRER.  And a darker line.  I've never had them get darker, and the past two miscarriages at 14dpo the lines were faint and getting fainter.  So maybe I have a chance.  Maybe this one will stick.

And that is why I am a moron.  Getting hopes up again.  One minute I feel puke-y and exhausted and just yuck with the burn-y stabby boobs and I am thinking nurseries and maternity clothes and announcements and oh my god baby!  And the next, I feel fine, I have energy, my tum is reasonable, and the boobs are fine and don't really seem any bigger, and I think oh shit well this is it.

When I emailed Mel, expressing my concerns that I could still get pregnant, that maybe I didn't really belong here, she wrote something that really touched me.  That even if I did get pregnant, it didn't take away from the past.  It's taken over a year and a half to get here.  It's taken 2 but probably 3 chemical pregnancies.  It's taken work to lose weight to get my publicly funded referral.  It's taken so many thoughts of why not me?  Why isn't this working for us?  What's wrong with us?  So many negative tests and cd1's.  This hasn't come easy.

I know there are so many others who go through so much more.  I really thought that would be us.  It still could be.  It's early days yet and I am realistic.  17dpo is the longest I have made it in the past.  Today is only 14dop.  We'll see what a few days brings.  Regardless I will still blog here.  I have thousands more pictures of the cats to put up!  And there will be stories of vineyard work (which will probably be pretty boring really), and other random thoughts.  There will be updates on the state of my ute, however it goes.  So...if you don't want to stab me in the forehead and you still want to come around, please do!

P.S.  I just asked the Moose, who is watching snooker, what is so entertaining about watching it.  His reply "They are trying to snooker each other!"  Ha ha, DIRTY!  I might try to snooker him later.

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