Monday, 20 April 2015

27 weeks and two years

After a long and grueling day of running around like a crazy thing and leading another picking crew on my own, I was conspired against!  The end result, a day off!!  Woo hoo!

The Moose and another supervisor told my senior supervisor that I was having the day off, and he was fine with it.  There are more than enough people to do what needs done today anyway!  So I got up about 10 minutes before the Moose and made him some thank you pancakes for breakfast.  He had the choice between pancakes and an omelet, but since I don't like omelets, he opted for pancakes (even though I was fine with making myself some porridge).  What a sweetie!  Hopefully he doesn't have too long of a day ahead of him.

So...27 weeks.  Third trimester (according to some...28 weeks according to others).  Time is going by so quickly.  I feel a panic coming up which will inevitably result in an internet shopping spree, or another trip to the city to buy stuff for bubs.  Because OHMYGOD I.AM.SO.NOT.READY.

I did discover something cool the other day.  I was staring down at my still on the small side bump, and I swore I could see it ripple.  So I hopped into bed, exhaled, held my breath, and it did ripple!!  Pretty sure it wasn't caused by me, but I couldn't feel bubs making that movement either. 

It was two years ago that I stopped taking the pill.  I don't remember the exact day or anything, but it was probably two years ago about two weeks ago.  Towards the end of harvest I got insanely burny stabby boobs.  Strong smell aversions.  Generally feeling off.  I had an idea that my cycles were 27.5 days from having always marked it on the calendar the last time I had been off the pill (after my divorce when I was still far from the Moose and trying to save money).  My period was 4 days late, but I never got a pregnancy test to turn positive.  Of course, I bought just a standard one (don't remember the brand) because I didn't know about how awesome FRERs are.  I am still convinced that was early miscarriage number one.  The symptoms I had were too strong to be in my head, plus I didn't know what symptoms to have.  I didn't know anything, except that of course I would get pregnant in 3 months tops.  Which didn't happen.  I was so confident that each month would be the month. 

Which still makes me wonder, what the hell?  If I was pregnant that first time, it took a year to get in a family way again for the first "official" miscarriage.  There were no other cycles with any sort of symptoms.  I don't even think I had any other late periods that year.  The doctor thought my weight was an issue (maybe causing some hormonal imbalances), but I weighed nearly 10 kilos less when we started trying than I did at the time of that first "official" miscarriage (which actually contributed to me losing and keeping off 4 kilos...go figure).  When I started charting, I was ovulating.  And after starting to chart, I got pregnant 3 times in about 6 months, two of those ending in early miscarriage.  I don't get it.  I don't understand what was going on in my body, and why this pregnancy has survived to make it to the third trimester.  From what I could read online, it isn't all that likely that there was something chromosome related three times in a row.  And yet if it was immune or blood related, how am I still pregnant?  Could it be endo related, if I do indeed have endo?  The not knowing is hard.  I want answers to questions that will probably never be answered.  And what implications does this have for the future?  If we choose to have a second bubs, can we?  Unless we go for Irish twins (and get lucky enough to get them) (we won't be trying for this), I will be advanced maternal age by the time we start trying for another, and the Moose is inching towards retirement.  Fertility treatments would have to come entirely out of pocket since we got pregnant naturally, if we couldn't manage to do it again.  So, could we do it again? 

None of this matters at the moment, of course.  I don't know that we would try for another child.  I think the Moose leans towards no, I lean towards yes, but ultimately we just don't know yet.  But it is something I wonder about, because I don't know if it is even possible.  I think, regardless of whether we try again, I just want to know what went wrong so many times the past two years.  I want a name for it, to be able to read about it and understand the biological processes behind it.  And I guess I just have to accept that I will probably never know. 

And on a totally unrelated note, when I expressed Toffee's bladder this morning, she managed to claw me in the nipple through two shirts.  OUCH.  From now on, protective padded bras must be worn at all times when attempting to manhandle that cat. 


  1. Yay for third trimester and belly wriggles! aren't those the best. (Until baby is here and you get outside wriggles, of course). And how lovely of the Moose to make sure you had a day off. That's the sweetest. I can identify with the ambiguity around the chances of a second child. I started thinking about the possibility of baby #2 around the time I stopped constantly worrying about the pregnancy. On one hand I felt like I shouldn't be thinking about it at all, but on the other hand it was impossible not to wonder, and I still do. All the time. One thing about the surprise natural pregnancy is one is always wondering how it happened/was able to continue and if it will ever happen again. I certainly can't complain about how things turned out for us, but sometimes I'm almost envious of people who did treatments and had a baby because at least they can point definitively to something that worked. It's a conundrum, and it does make it pretty hard to make future plans unless one decides to definitely not have a second child.

    1. Yes, it is definitely something that gets stuck in your head! And every time I see something on a third trimester to do list about planning for contraception after the birth it worms its way back into my thoughts. In about three months, the outside wriggles!! Time is moving so fast, it is exciting and terrifying!!

  2. First, I just have to say that Precious Pup literally stood on my nipple yesterday, and I yowled so loud it made Mr. Hope laugh himself silly. NOT FUNNY, HOPE. It effing *hurt*.

    Sometimes I think we don't know why things happen the way that they do. I wonder if I'd been on better meds my first IUI cycle, or if the RE would've gone to retrieval instead of converting me to IUI, if that would have been our miracle. My progesterone was naturally high that cycle, without the help of the supplements, which tells me it could've been a good egg. Probably the best egg I popped out doing ART. But he wouldn't go to retrieval, and the IUI didn't work, and I'll never know.

    Sometimes things just happen how they happen.

    The OB nurse asked me what contraception I'll be using after birth. I snorted and said none. I won't lie: I still hope for that miracle conception, the one that defies all odds. We don't know if we'll try for another either, after everything it took to get here. But I think about it too.

    I'm totally rrrrambling tonight. Sorry!

    1. Never apologize for rambling! All rambling is fully supported here!

      Perhaps as pregnant pet owners, we need to invest in some seriously protective bras...I think I could use one with cups filled with foam (perhaps donut shaped for comfort?) and lined with fleece on the inside. The outside should probably be kevlar. And if I could stick it in the microwave for a few minutes to warm it up...that might just about do it.

    2. Yasss! I said this to Mr. Hope last night. I need protective gear. Seriously.

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